I got news this morning that a Relevant author passed away over the weekend. Kyle Lake was a young pastor at the University Baptist Church in Waco, Texas, with a wife and three young children. He wrote two books for Relevant, one of which I had the privilege of editing and writing a study guide for. He was electrocuted in the baptismal during yesterday's Sunday morning service.
This is news that comes like a punch in the stomach. It makes me want to throw up. It is too gruesome for words. It makes me wonder what kind of God allows a young, bright, beloved pastor and husband and father to be killed during a celebration of new life in Christ. The irony is sick.
Lately in our Bible study, we have been looking at Hebrew names for God that point to his majesty. This week's study is on "Adonai," which points to God as our master. As such, he provides for us, cares for us, defends us, and protects us. He protects us. From what? I am reeling with this question.
I am also tired of blaming God every time something bad happens. There is something so childish about it, and yet I still do it, every time. It seems to be much more helpful to just trust him and allow him to provide for me and others no matter what tragedy life throws at me or someone I know.
So I guess I just turn to God, because where else is there to go? I pray for God to be enough for Kyle's wife and kids and the other people who loved him, like his worship leader, David Crowder. I pray for God's protection on Philip as he flies to California for work this week, however faithless my prayer feels at the moment. And I pray for mercy, that Jesus will come back soon so this kind of shit will stop happening.
Links
Kyle's church
Sermons by Kyle available for download
CBS News article
Baptist Standard article
Brian McLaren remembers Kyle
Blogger Todd Rhoades' thoughts on this tragedy
Buy Kyle's books
Monday, October 31, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
UNCOMMONLY GOOD WEDNESDAY NIGHT
Last night was an uncommonly good Wednesday night.
It began with an email I received from an editor letting me know how much I was going to be compensated for a simple music review I wrote. The amount was incredible for a review that would only appear on the web. I have three more review assignments for this publication, which is really encouraging. Lately I have really been despairing in my writing career...feeling like no amount of emails I send gets me anywhere, like no one cares to read the things I write, feeling alienated from other friends because i can't relate to them professionally...So this email was a big bright spot.
Then Philip and I drove out to his soccer game. After more than two years, I know most of the people on his team and can shoot the breeze with them, or shout out their names in encouragement from the bleachers. The team was playing at a different field for a while, which was farther away and full of many intimidating I-can-kick-your-ass soccer players. Now they're back at their old field, where there's a lot fewer people and just a more friendly atmosphere. Philip's team didn't win, but they are never sore losers. I really enjoyed sitting out in the chilly weather and pretending it was fall.
Philip and I decided to go out for Mexican after the game. We got a corner booth and basically stuffed our faces with tortilla chips while he shared with me about some aspects of his work. I really love it when Philip just opens up and talks. He's much more of a question asker. Pay attention the next time you talk one-on-one with him - he'll want to know all about you, but won't say much about himself. So I loved hearing all he had to say. I also soaked in the relaxed alone time. We've got a jam-packed weekend coming up, much to no one's surprise.
We finished out the night by having our friend Aaron over to watch what turned out to be the last game of the World Series. I hadn't seen Aaron in months, not since I was still Miss Larson. Aaron is just one of those people who understands exactly what you mean when you use only a couple words and a certain tone. That is a quality I really appreciate in a human being. Aaron was my friend before I had even met Philip, and now he is more Philip's friend. It's interesting how those boundaries and transitions work. I'd like to write a chapter about that whole topic in my memoir about bumbling my way through dating and engagement.
Anyway, at one point, I passed out on the couch while the boys talked, and then I woke up and we tried to find funny videos on Google Video but were unsuccessful, and then the Sox won, which, in my opinion, kicks ass. I am more of a Cubs fan actually, and Aaron said, "Aren't you supposed to hate the Sox more than the Yankees?" And I said, "No. Girls don't have to abide by those rules." He and Philip both admitted that that's true.
So Wednesday night. Good night. Uncommonly good.
It began with an email I received from an editor letting me know how much I was going to be compensated for a simple music review I wrote. The amount was incredible for a review that would only appear on the web. I have three more review assignments for this publication, which is really encouraging. Lately I have really been despairing in my writing career...feeling like no amount of emails I send gets me anywhere, like no one cares to read the things I write, feeling alienated from other friends because i can't relate to them professionally...So this email was a big bright spot.
Then Philip and I drove out to his soccer game. After more than two years, I know most of the people on his team and can shoot the breeze with them, or shout out their names in encouragement from the bleachers. The team was playing at a different field for a while, which was farther away and full of many intimidating I-can-kick-your-ass soccer players. Now they're back at their old field, where there's a lot fewer people and just a more friendly atmosphere. Philip's team didn't win, but they are never sore losers. I really enjoyed sitting out in the chilly weather and pretending it was fall.
Philip and I decided to go out for Mexican after the game. We got a corner booth and basically stuffed our faces with tortilla chips while he shared with me about some aspects of his work. I really love it when Philip just opens up and talks. He's much more of a question asker. Pay attention the next time you talk one-on-one with him - he'll want to know all about you, but won't say much about himself. So I loved hearing all he had to say. I also soaked in the relaxed alone time. We've got a jam-packed weekend coming up, much to no one's surprise.
We finished out the night by having our friend Aaron over to watch what turned out to be the last game of the World Series. I hadn't seen Aaron in months, not since I was still Miss Larson. Aaron is just one of those people who understands exactly what you mean when you use only a couple words and a certain tone. That is a quality I really appreciate in a human being. Aaron was my friend before I had even met Philip, and now he is more Philip's friend. It's interesting how those boundaries and transitions work. I'd like to write a chapter about that whole topic in my memoir about bumbling my way through dating and engagement.
Anyway, at one point, I passed out on the couch while the boys talked, and then I woke up and we tried to find funny videos on Google Video but were unsuccessful, and then the Sox won, which, in my opinion, kicks ass. I am more of a Cubs fan actually, and Aaron said, "Aren't you supposed to hate the Sox more than the Yankees?" And I said, "No. Girls don't have to abide by those rules." He and Philip both admitted that that's true.
So Wednesday night. Good night. Uncommonly good.
Friday, October 14, 2005
SISTERS
Today is my baby sister Sarah's 18th birthday.
She was 11 when I left Rockford to begin my freshman year at Eastern in Charleston, IL, which meant that I was away during the time that she transitioned from child to teenager. And now, as she transitions again from teenager into adult, I am missing it again, living in Florida.
Despite not being in her day-to-day life, despite having lived in a different city than her for the past seven years as she has been forming who she is - her character, her beliefs, her interests, her tastes and preferences, her style, her humor, etc. - we still have a special relationship. We always feel comfortable around each other when we're together. We always laugh. We always have our parents and our history and our childhood memories in common.
Beyond that - genetics, it seems, has given us certain characteristics that align unconsciously, across the miles. For example, when I was in college, Sarah and my parents came to visit me in Charleston. Sarah showed up wearing the exact same outfit that I was wearing that day - black shirt with a screen print of the Golden Gate Bridge on it, dark jeans, black belt, black shoes. I didn't even know she owned an outfit like that. Our sense of style (then, at least) just automatically mirrored one another's.
Traditionally, I've found it easier to relate to my other sister Alyssa, who is only two years younger than me, because we grew up together - played on the same volleyball team, sang in the same choirs, participated in the same youth group, and so on. But in our genetic makeups, Sarah and I are more alike. We both tend to be more like my mom - more pragmatic than sentimental (though we do hang on to some important tangible reminders of memories) and more into popular style and fashion (Alyssa is very easy to buy clothes for - she'll happily wear anything you give her and tends to default to looking like a hippie - while Sarah and I are much more particular about what we put on our bodies). Sarah and I tend to gravitate toward the same style of music; we both value a stable sense of community (while the community of Alyssa the Bohemian changes every three to four months). So in these similarities we share, especially now that Sarah is no longer a child, we can relate in new ways that are just as connective as the shared past that Alyssa and I have in common.
But all three of us share commonalities, too. We all are artists instead of scientists (Alyssa and Sarah are more about the performing arts, while I hide behind a pen, but we love all artistic expression). We all have similar personalities - fairly shy and quiet (although Alyssa has been forced to come out of her shell quite a bit in her theater community); dry, sarcastic sense of humor; more comfortable in small groups than in large parties; emotional; insecure; continually self-evaluating; academically successful but not obsessed with grades.
Of course, we all have a lot of differences, too (most notably: I grew up loving Barbies, Sarah grew up loving stuffed animals, and Alyssa grew up loving Light Brights and toy computers, of course). But aside from all the differences and similarities, I can't even express how much I love and admire my sisters. They are two of the most amazing, beautiful women I know, and I believe in them 200 percent.
I often wonder what will become of my relationships with my sisters, since most likely, we will never all three live in the same city again. Will the years of distance and missing out on the milestones - or even just the everyday little occurrences - of each other's lives compound to drive us apart, slowly but surely? Or could it be that our shared family story, mirroring personalities, and almost identical sense of humor will always hold us together in a special way that can't be broken down? Or is there just something deep and unchanging about being sisters that will keep us close no matter what our circumstances are or how our values evolve?
I don't know. I do worry about it. I do know that I will not be present as my baby sister blows out the birthday candles in front of my extended family for the last time; 18 is traditionally the last year we do the family party. I do know that I was not there when the whole family minus me went to Chicago last weekend to see Alyssa in her musical. I do know that I will not share a Thanksgiving meal with all of them this year.
But I do hope that despite all this missing out and being away, our deep-as-blood bond as sisters will not change. I do hope that with all my heart.
She was 11 when I left Rockford to begin my freshman year at Eastern in Charleston, IL, which meant that I was away during the time that she transitioned from child to teenager. And now, as she transitions again from teenager into adult, I am missing it again, living in Florida.
Despite not being in her day-to-day life, despite having lived in a different city than her for the past seven years as she has been forming who she is - her character, her beliefs, her interests, her tastes and preferences, her style, her humor, etc. - we still have a special relationship. We always feel comfortable around each other when we're together. We always laugh. We always have our parents and our history and our childhood memories in common.
Beyond that - genetics, it seems, has given us certain characteristics that align unconsciously, across the miles. For example, when I was in college, Sarah and my parents came to visit me in Charleston. Sarah showed up wearing the exact same outfit that I was wearing that day - black shirt with a screen print of the Golden Gate Bridge on it, dark jeans, black belt, black shoes. I didn't even know she owned an outfit like that. Our sense of style (then, at least) just automatically mirrored one another's.
Traditionally, I've found it easier to relate to my other sister Alyssa, who is only two years younger than me, because we grew up together - played on the same volleyball team, sang in the same choirs, participated in the same youth group, and so on. But in our genetic makeups, Sarah and I are more alike. We both tend to be more like my mom - more pragmatic than sentimental (though we do hang on to some important tangible reminders of memories) and more into popular style and fashion (Alyssa is very easy to buy clothes for - she'll happily wear anything you give her and tends to default to looking like a hippie - while Sarah and I are much more particular about what we put on our bodies). Sarah and I tend to gravitate toward the same style of music; we both value a stable sense of community (while the community of Alyssa the Bohemian changes every three to four months). So in these similarities we share, especially now that Sarah is no longer a child, we can relate in new ways that are just as connective as the shared past that Alyssa and I have in common.
But all three of us share commonalities, too. We all are artists instead of scientists (Alyssa and Sarah are more about the performing arts, while I hide behind a pen, but we love all artistic expression). We all have similar personalities - fairly shy and quiet (although Alyssa has been forced to come out of her shell quite a bit in her theater community); dry, sarcastic sense of humor; more comfortable in small groups than in large parties; emotional; insecure; continually self-evaluating; academically successful but not obsessed with grades.
Of course, we all have a lot of differences, too (most notably: I grew up loving Barbies, Sarah grew up loving stuffed animals, and Alyssa grew up loving Light Brights and toy computers, of course). But aside from all the differences and similarities, I can't even express how much I love and admire my sisters. They are two of the most amazing, beautiful women I know, and I believe in them 200 percent.
I often wonder what will become of my relationships with my sisters, since most likely, we will never all three live in the same city again. Will the years of distance and missing out on the milestones - or even just the everyday little occurrences - of each other's lives compound to drive us apart, slowly but surely? Or could it be that our shared family story, mirroring personalities, and almost identical sense of humor will always hold us together in a special way that can't be broken down? Or is there just something deep and unchanging about being sisters that will keep us close no matter what our circumstances are or how our values evolve?
I don't know. I do worry about it. I do know that I will not be present as my baby sister blows out the birthday candles in front of my extended family for the last time; 18 is traditionally the last year we do the family party. I do know that I was not there when the whole family minus me went to Chicago last weekend to see Alyssa in her musical. I do know that I will not share a Thanksgiving meal with all of them this year.
But I do hope that despite all this missing out and being away, our deep-as-blood bond as sisters will not change. I do hope that with all my heart.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
THOUGHTS
I've been reading some of my friends' blogs today, and I just love their honesty. They just write from their hearts; they don't try to sound all smart and writer-ish, and in the realness, they're brilliant. Often I wish I could just write without worrying about sounding literary and insightful. Ugh. So with that in mind, this is just going to be a simple, what's-on-my-mind post.
1. Lots of people have quit Relevant lately. This makes me feel both triumphant and sad. Carolyn/Won and Jeff/Elizabeth are moving back to their home states and will be close to their families. This makes me feel jealous.
2. I have no writing or editing assignments right now. I'm trying to get work, but it doesn't seem to get me anywhere, so I get discouraged and don't try very hard, which means I get even less work than I might have if I just tried harder...
3. Amy/David are still up in North Carolina on vacation and will be gone all month. It can't be much of a vacation since they're grieving, but I'm sure they're still thankful to see family and friends and enjoy the mountains. Amy called me today stressed because of all the dealings that must be handled with her dad's business. I miss her.
4. Today is my best friend Sarah's birthday and wedding anniversary. It makes me so sad that we are not in each other's day-to-day lives and that I can't be there to celebrate with her. Philip and I were talking last night about how it's easier to stay connected with people who are physically close to you. There are so many wonderful friends in my life who I've grown apart from just because of physical distance. Being everyday friends with Sarah is what I miss the most.
5. I've been brainstorming about writing a book, but I keep putting off making the outline and really getting started. I'm afraid of starting it and then hating every word and feeling like a failure.
6. I want to visit a writers' group that meets here in Orlando once a month. This month's meeting is this Thursday. There are all kinds of good reasons for doing this - accountability, feedback on my work, new friends that are outside my normal circles... But of course, I feel shy and intimidated and reluctant to go.
7. I'm anxious for Philip and I to finish setting up our home. Priority numero uno is getting a dining room table so we can invite people over without giving them TV trays to eat at. My feelings about this have changed, though, since Amy's dad passed away. It doesn't seem as important, and I feel bad for how much I've allowed our unpacked apartment to bother me.
8. I miss autumn.
9. I have such a wonderful husband. I don't say this to discourage anyone who isn't married; I say it to let everyone know that they don't have to settle - that marrying someone who is serving and affirming and hard working and devoted and kind and intelligent and caring and funny and passionate IS possible. Thank you, Philip, for being more than a dream come true.
1. Lots of people have quit Relevant lately. This makes me feel both triumphant and sad. Carolyn/Won and Jeff/Elizabeth are moving back to their home states and will be close to their families. This makes me feel jealous.
2. I have no writing or editing assignments right now. I'm trying to get work, but it doesn't seem to get me anywhere, so I get discouraged and don't try very hard, which means I get even less work than I might have if I just tried harder...
3. Amy/David are still up in North Carolina on vacation and will be gone all month. It can't be much of a vacation since they're grieving, but I'm sure they're still thankful to see family and friends and enjoy the mountains. Amy called me today stressed because of all the dealings that must be handled with her dad's business. I miss her.
4. Today is my best friend Sarah's birthday and wedding anniversary. It makes me so sad that we are not in each other's day-to-day lives and that I can't be there to celebrate with her. Philip and I were talking last night about how it's easier to stay connected with people who are physically close to you. There are so many wonderful friends in my life who I've grown apart from just because of physical distance. Being everyday friends with Sarah is what I miss the most.
5. I've been brainstorming about writing a book, but I keep putting off making the outline and really getting started. I'm afraid of starting it and then hating every word and feeling like a failure.
6. I want to visit a writers' group that meets here in Orlando once a month. This month's meeting is this Thursday. There are all kinds of good reasons for doing this - accountability, feedback on my work, new friends that are outside my normal circles... But of course, I feel shy and intimidated and reluctant to go.
7. I'm anxious for Philip and I to finish setting up our home. Priority numero uno is getting a dining room table so we can invite people over without giving them TV trays to eat at. My feelings about this have changed, though, since Amy's dad passed away. It doesn't seem as important, and I feel bad for how much I've allowed our unpacked apartment to bother me.
8. I miss autumn.
9. I have such a wonderful husband. I don't say this to discourage anyone who isn't married; I say it to let everyone know that they don't have to settle - that marrying someone who is serving and affirming and hard working and devoted and kind and intelligent and caring and funny and passionate IS possible. Thank you, Philip, for being more than a dream come true.
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