Out of curiousity, I visited the website of my old job today. It has been well over a year since I moved on from there, but I confess, after looking around at what's new, I lapsed into a fantasy that I had written a book that was getting a ton of buzz. I imagined that my old boss was at first reluctant to cover it in his magazine since I was an ex-employee, but eventually had to cave because my book had become so big. There I would be in the magazine I wasn't fit to be the managing editor of, my face filling a whole page. My success would make my old boss feel crazy with regret, that he didn't try harder to make me feel valued and adequate.
I don't like that I have fantasies like this. It indicates that in my heart are some leftover feelings of bitterness. If I was over it, it doesn't seem like I would have any "so there!" kind of sentiments. Now that so much time has passed, the specific grievances I experienced at that job have begun to significantly fade in my memory. I guess what's left is still this wound that hasn't fully healed, this lingering feeling of not being good enough.
Feelings are a tough thing to deal with. You can't just will them to go away. I have tried to control my actions with regard to my old job by not bad-mouthing it all the time and discouraging people from reading any of its publications. I haven't defaced any of the magazine issues that still arrive at our apartment from an ancient two-year subscription; in fact, I've read several articles. I even considered buying a book post-resignation.
But feelings are another thing altogether. Thankfully, I believe God has the capability of changing hearts and thought processes. I saw this the other day when I had the opportunity to sing in church. It used to be that when I sang, I felt very disappointed and insecure if people didn't come up to me afterward and tell me how well I did, even though supposedly my "audience" was made up of God alone. After I sang this past weekened, I found that I was actually surprised when someone congratulated me for doing a good job. I hadn't even thought about seeking that kind of approval. So over time, God has begun to right that wrong attitude in me. I pray that he is doing the same with regard to my career.