CRYING IN THE BATHROOM

Yesterday two bloggers I follow got long-awaited news. One got a positive. The other got a negative. And I am crying in the bathroom at work. 

I am crying for the girl who had hung all her hopes on a promising new treatment protocol, only to have her hopes crushed. 

I am crying for the girl who had to go through five IUIs, three IVFs and seven frozen-embryo transfers to get the news she’d been longing for, but is still only cautiously optimistic. 

And I’m crying for myself, all dressed up in my wedges and my high-low dress, striving to impress my new boss, angling for this promotion with all the energy in my cells, working into the night, on the other side of the looking glass from six months straight of failed and canceled treatments, just wishing to God I could walk away from my current life, never looking back, and be a stay-at-home mom.

THE TIME'S THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'

Holy Moses, what a week. It’s Saturday morning, and it’s the first time I’ve felt like a halfway normal human being in 12 days. I have so much on my mind, and it doesn’t really all flow together seamlessly, so forgive me if this entry is a bit scattered.

First I want to “publicly” thank Not When But IF for nominating me for the Super Sweet Blogging Award back on June 10. I feel ridiculously under-qualified for such a nomination, but thrilled nonetheless! I plan to more fully address the nomination and nominate others in a future post, but for now I just want to acknowledge that this happened, and also encourage everyone to head over to But IF’s blog in order to laugh a lot and hear someone much smarter, more articulate and more honest than me talk about the nasty but weirdly sometimes-community-and-strength-building world of infertility!

Second I want to report that there’s nothing really to report about work so far. The long and the short of it is that I’m competing for a promotion under a new boss, and to me, the only acceptable outcome is that I get it. But I won’t know anything for a few more weeks. In the meantime, my time in my cubicle is a nonstop, exhausting flurry of not only trying to ship a magazine, brainstorm brilliant ideas for how to change and improve pretty much everything we’re doing, and accentuate my intelligence and hard work, but also highlight my incredible charm, charisma and leadership magnetism — all while my competition is trying to do the same.

As someone who is by nature a shy introvert, it takes quite a bit of effort to prove that I am capable of being outgoing, outspoken and confident in high-stakes work settings — which I AM — I’m just saying, it takes all the energy I possess. In other words, I had no energy left this week for things such as emptying the dishwasher, eating square meals, blogging and brushing my teeth before bed.

I would also like to confess that while I sounded very convicted about my passion for travel writing in my last post, I was also on an airplane after just having taken a yoga class ON THE CARIBBEAN SEA. Forgive me if I was riding a bit of a high. At 10,000 feet, my thinking always tends to be clearer. Then I get home, and I’m sitting at my computer in my ordinary surroundings, and suddenly things seem a lot more confusing.

My loyal reader Blue Rose has this perception of me as being so strong and resilient, when the reality is, I spend about 95 percent of my time second-guessing and feeling ambivalent and sorry for myself. I do love working at a magazine! I do love traveling! I do love opening a blank Word doc to create something new! I’m amazingly blessed to have lived this jet-setting, creative life, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful. But I fucking want a baby! I want it more! I’ve been working at it for years now! That’s why I was willing to bench myself for seven months, and why I’ll do it again in the fall.

But now there’s another problem. My new boss doesn’t know about my treatment. And going after a big promotion at any cost while going after a pregnancy at any cost doesn’t exactly jive. Being a woman is shitty in this way, infertility or not. Plus there’s the time out of work for appointments, the extreme moodiness and fatigue brought on by the meds, the work happy hours/networking opportunities where it’s highly conspicuous if you don’t have a drink in your hand … I’m even hesitant to write about all of this with much candidness for fear that people at work might be reading. I’m only semi-out of the closet about infertility and this blog, but who knows.

So there’s that. There’s also the issue of me completely sucking at taking a break from trying to get pregnant. When my cervical fluid showed up on cycle day 13 of this month, I was overjoyed! CYCLE DAY 13, BITCHES! That never happens! A strong ovulation, all by my lonesome, with no medical intervention?! It’s a miracle! AND, get this — it was a Saturday! Hooray for relaxed, spontaneous weekend sex!

I didn’t mention to Philip that I was ovulating, which made me feel manipulative and sneaky, and made me question my motives when I started to get frisky. But why tell him and ruin everything by piling on the pressure? So for a week I carried my little secret that we had in fact had perfectly timed sex. (When I finally broke the news, he laughed and said he was glad I didn’t tell him. Phew.)

And actually, the two-week wait flew by faster than ever since we started trying. With the life-consuming Hunger Games going on at work, I barely had time to think about what cycle day it was.

Notice I said barely. I did manage to fret about what on earth I’ll do if it turns out I finally strike pregnancy gold the minute I finally get the promotion I’ve deserved for years.

But of course, worry, as usual, was unfounded. I took an HPT this morning after dreaming last night that I took one that was miraculously positive, but alas. Same result as always.

Which, I remind myself, is OK. I’ve got a lot of other concerns on my plate right now, not to mention a very exciting trip to South America that is commencing in three short weeks. Holy shit, where did the time go? And I thought I was going to paint my hallway. HA.

In positive news, I returned to yoga after an entire month away. We were able to secure a new space at my workplace that is far less ideal than the old one, but it’s there, for which I’m infinitely thankful. And I went back to the class over lunch on Thursday — stiff, knotted, stressed, dehydrated and emotionally spent, not to mention sans mat and hair tie. Doh. Luckily, there was an extra mat, and even though my hair was in my face the whole time, I felt like a million bucks afterward.

My exercise regimen had fallen to pieces lately, and I was remembering my old routine with deep nostalgia. Sure, I had been struggling to get pregnant, and sure, I was being held back at work, but I had also been cycling through this very healthy, life-giving weekly rhythm of yoga and boot camp and running and evenings with my husband and weekends with our friends.

In the past few weeks, all of that had fallen by the wayside, and I had been feeling like the pre-acupuncture shell of myself who was only hanging on by a thread. So after that yoga class, I was relieved at how quickly I could feel centered again, how fluidly some perspective returned.

Talking to my dad about all of this drama on Father’s Day, he said God was clearly moving in my life. The statement really struck me, because I had been feeling the opposite. How was everything I wanted so miserably challenging to get? Why was I having to fight so hard for every goal? Where is God?

But my dad’s comment shifted my thinking. Life is changing. One way or another, in a few months, my old reality will be gone. I’ll have been promoted into a position that allows me to fully spread my wings, or I’ll have moved on to something completely new. God is not letting me stay static in a less-than-ideal work situation, in which I was largely just biding time. Maybe he has bigger purposes for me after all.

So, I’ll try to rest some this weekend. I’ll try to work a little, play a little. Next week is sure to be another rough one, duking it out in the arena.

TROUBLE IN PARADISE

So, my first act on arrival to Ocean Club West on the Turks and Caicos Islands was to connect to the Internet and fire up my email, only to read a message that turned my work reality upside-down. The magazine I work for isn’t closing, as I fretted about earlier, but massive staff changes are taking place that will mean big changes for my day-to-day work life.

My absolutely precious suite at Ocean Club West. Photo taken just before I checked my email.

What commenced next was a series of Skype calls to colleagues back at the office, as I tried to get a grasp on what was happening and what, if any, action I should take from my tropical suite at a Caribbean beach resort. 

Adorable living area from which I made three trillion Skype calls back to the office

I arrived to the welcome dinner late and completely frazzled. Can you even believe it — I take a work trip for the first time in almost seven months, and that’s when the big announcement happens! I’m not there to defend my position, prove myself and keep the ship on a smooth trajectory while transition was threatening to throw it off-course.

Talking over Skype to my coworker and good friend, I took what she said to heart: “Take advantage of the trip you’re on. Meditate and think about what you really want and what your next move will be.”

So I did. On a bike ride through the island’s interior, I thought about it. On a kayak in the mangroves, I meditated quietly. Laying facedown in the spa, I prayed and considered my options.

It was hard to unwind and enjoy myself, even though my surroundings were impossibly beautiful and built for relaxation. Change can be intimidating, especially if I’m not the instigator of the change. My career future now feels like a complete gamble, and everything I took for granted is gone.

I don’t want this, I thought more than once. I was supposed to be a mommy blogger by now, hearing of this news while far away from that workplace and the players involved, maybe reading it via text on my phone at a playground, or by IM while typing away in my home office. I would think, Wow, that’s crazy, then take another sip of my coffee or push my baby on the swing set while my thoughts drifted to something else.

But then, as I began to explore the Turks and Caicos with my little press group, I realized that while I don’t want the work drama and the uncertainty, I want this — the life of a travel writer. The soft beaches. The hidden paths. The colorful ex-pats. The plantain French fries. And the thrilling storytelling that follows. I want these rich pleasures in my life, however much is possible while also chasing this other consuming dream of mine — to hear a child call me “Mama.”

TCI's famous beach bar, Da Conch Shack

A beach bonfire at Ocean Club East. We made s'mores!

On our last full day at the resort, I finally was able to come down a bit off my work-stress anxiety-fraught jitters. I had made all my phone calls; I had interviewed over Skype with my new boss; I had sent every important email. Now all I could do was wait to face the music on Monday, so I determined to savor every minute of my final moments in paradise. I lounged on the ridiculously beautiful white sand and thanked God for the scene in front of me.

I would like to point out that this photo isn't color-treated. At all.

That afternoon, we embarked on a sailing trip on The Atabeyra, a 77-foot sailboat whose owner had built her 23 years ago, hand-hewing the towering mast from a pine tree. We sluiced through the water, so turquoise it looked fake, and dropped anchor on a deserted white beach. I scurried up a cliff, then swam to a nearshore shipwreck, floating over the vessel’s broken ribcage, now wearing a blanket of algae. I had the whole silent scene to myself.

The following morning, we rose early for a paddleboard yoga class with Water Play Provo. The Caribbean Sea was smooth and clear, and I cautiously followed the instructor’s directions: tabletop, downward-facing dog, remember to breathe. I crashed into the water attempting a lunge, then crawled back on my board, dripping wet, water running into my nose. The dip was refreshing in the hot sun. I nailed warrior two on one side, tumbled into the blue again on the other. Back up on the board again, laughing, happy.

So I’ll fight for this job like I fight for a family. I’ll promote myself and work harder. I won’t back down. When I feel like just giving up, like it’s all too much, I’ll remind myself what I’m striving for: a passion that’s important to me, that will change my life if I succeed.

After all, travel and family don’t have to be mutually exclusive; it just requires balance. Putting one thing on pause to focus on the other, and vice versa. Two of the writers on my trip are moms. Maybe one day I, like them, will be sad to say goodbye to some beautiful, exotic place, but eager to get back home to the other loves of my life.

Our little group, such a joy to travel with

AIRBORNE REVERIE

So, I'm behind. I originally composed this post on June 10 and was thisclose to finishing and posting it when I got mind-blowing news related to my job, and life has been stressful/bananas/upside-down ever since. So I debated scratching this entry and just starting over with something more up-to-date. However, I feel like you might enjoy watching the transition, seeing where I was a week ago and then eventually comparing that state to my current circumstances. So, my friends, and especially Blue Rose, this is for you. [Also, as I think I present myself on this blog as far more put-together than I am, I would like to share that while writing this introductory caveat, I ate exactly half of a package of Publix-brand sliced turkey pepperonis. Like, by themselves.]

Colorful macarons that caught my eye during my caffeine-fueled euphoria in the Miami airport

I’m addicted to travel. Recently I was talking to a coworker who tried a trapeze class a few months ago, fell in love and now can’t get enough of flying through the air. That’s how I feel about travel. Every time I go somewhere, my bucket list gets longer, not shorter. Long before I ever wanted a baby, I wanted to travel the world.

Family trips to Florida and Jamaica as a young adult lit a spark, but timidity and insecurity kept me grounded until a summer studying in England just after I finished my senior year of college gave me confidence and stoked the travel fire. When I landed a job as a writer for a destination-wedding and honeymoon magazine six years ago, my fate was sealed.

My first work trip was to three Hawaiian Islands with an amazing group of journalists who modeled an enthusiastic curiosity and gratitude that has inspired me ever since. The trip took place a month after I started with the magazine, and the travel never slowed. Every six or eight weeks, I was off to some new exotic place.

I was 27 and being treated, for free, to sailing trips in the Caribbean, luxury cruises through Mexico and even an African safari. The idea of children seemed distant — something I wanted, someday. But I wasn’t ready yet. I was having too much fun; there was too much I still wanted to see.

I traveled like this for six years straight. Airports became my second home, and I settled into the routine: seeing my name on a driver’s sign at a ramshackle airport, arriving to some high-end hotel to a welcome treat of fruit or chocolate in my room. Philip was able to come with me from time to time, but almost always I was traveling with writers on assignment for other outlets — strangers who would often become friends in a matter of three or four days. Our itineraries were set for us — not restful at all but always fun.

I loved the repeat themes: Shooting the breeze with a taxi driver, eating fresh fish in view of the ocean, snorkeling a coral reef and bebopping to the spa for a massage never got old.

Until, they did.

I had done amazing things. I had dined at a three-Michelin-starred restaurant on a Roman hilltop. I had seen humpback whales and blue-footed-booby birds in the Bay of Banderas. I had zip-lined in Costa Rica, climbed a volcano in St. Vincent, made a wish under a Bermudan moongate, kayaked to a deserted Cayman islet, drank Killer Bee rum punch in Nevis, taken a mud bath in St. Lucia, ATVed through a Puerto Rican jungle, kneelt in a Thai temple, biked through San Diego and summited a Maya ruin in Belize. And I had written about it all.

But I was tired. Traveling this way meant often traveling solo. It meant being beholden to someone else’s schedule. It meant colds, canker sores and constipation from airplane germs and airport food. It meant missing friends’ birthday parties and spending less time with my family. It meant not even knowing what was going on in my own backyard.

I had seen so much and been blessed for this season, but I felt the season was waning. I was ready to move into a new adventure: motherhood.

I had seen what I wanted to see and was prepared to finally join my friends in the excitement of expecting — the thrill of a positive pregnancy test, of breaking the news to happy loved ones, of celebrating at a shower, choosing names and designing a nursery — followed by the wonder of welcoming a new life into the world and watching him or her learn and grow, of being able to share with a child all I’ve come to love about this beautiful, diverse world.

For two full years I tried to become a mother without success while simultaneously clinging my other reality as a travel writer. With each invitation to a new resort, I scrutinized my calendar: When was I likely to ovulate?

Traveling planning around my inconsistent ovulation proved challenging, and it just got worse as we began fertility treatment and the treatments became more involved. Many months I agonized over an unexpectedly long cycle and a looming trip that would put Philip and me in different countries when we needed to be in the same bed.

Still, I continued to jetset, faithfully packing my thermometer, ovulation chart and prenatal vitamins into my carry-on. Infertility had robbed me of my dream to be a mother, but I wasn’t going to let it also ruin my passion for seeing new places, experiencing new cultures and sharing these experiences with curious readers.

In December of 2012, I was scheduled to travel to south Florida for a luxury wedding conference, and I was determined to cram in our first IUI before I left. If everything went according to plan, I’d be safely within my two-week wait while I sat in on inspiration sessions and attended fancy dinners.

Instead, my ovaries balked. Letrozole medication that had worked like gangbusters for two other cycles of timed relations didn’t do a thing. On cycle day 10, my biggest follicles were a measly 9 mm. At this rate, they’d never mature in time for an IUI before I had to depart for my trip.

I panicked and stressed. I nervously talked to my boss and negotiated a plan B; maybe I could drive down a day late. She reluctantly agreed.

In the end, my follicles didn’t grow a single millimeter more, and the cycle was cancelled, so I was able to travel to the conference as originally planned. But as the New Year approached, I knew I had to make a change. Treatment and travel were mutually exclusive, and I had to prioritize one at the expense of the other.

So, I let go of the traveling. I was grounded until further notice. I hated infertility even more for stripping me of not only my dream but also my passion, but I didn’t see any other way.

And actually, it wasn’t so bad.

I got well. Really well. No more headaches, a lot less stress. I had time to cook dinner and exercise regularly. I fell into a routine for the first time in years, and it felt good. I started regularly attending a yoga class. I was blogging more. For the first time ever, I had adequate time to finish my to-do lists at work — and even start learning some new digital skills.

I was able to attend every birthday dinner, every friend’s art show or musical performance. I went to spring-training games; I went on walks; I spent time with family. So this is what a normal life feels like, I thought.

And of course, I was able to pursue fertility treatment without worrying myself to death over the timing of everything. We found the magical dosage of Follistim that kicked my ovaries into gear, and we underwent two IUIs that went off without a hitch.

Of course, they both failed. And then a new priority emerged: to visit our sponsored child in Bolivia before she graduates out of the program and before we — hopefully — start a family and can no longer gallivant around impoverished third-world countries.

So instead of trying to balance treatment with a two-week jaunt through South America, which entails high altitudes, delicious wines and multiple inoculations, we are prioritizing the trip.

And since we were on a break from treatment, it turned out I could even squeeze in a work trip too. So that’s where I sit at this moment: on American Airlines flight 1245 to the Turks and Caicos Islands. My first work trip in six months.

And I have to say, it feels really good to be back in the saddle.

Armed with a Starbucks mocha latte in one hand and an issue of Islands magazine in the other, I sat on my flight to Miami feeling like I could explode with happiness. (That could have been the caffeine, but still …)

Oh hello, old self, my brain said as I navigated the gates in the Miami airport as though I hadn’t missed a beat.

I enjoyed my time off, and it was important to do, but traveling for work again is reawakening some important part of me that values adventure and feels purpose in looking for compelling stories in far-off places.

I’m reminded that I have a plan B if it turns out that our resolution to infertility is living child-free. I am a traveler. I am a travel writer. I love this. It makes me feel alive and happy. It feels reassuring, centering, true.

So here I go, ready to set foot on the Turks and Caicos Islands for the first time. More to come, as hopefully, I will find compelling stories to tell in this far-off place.

THE NEW NORMAL

Hello, friends. I would like to report that I feel like a somewhat normal human being. After four treatment cycles in a row (two canceled, two failed IUIs), we're taking a break, and I feel almost daily relief over it. For the first few days, I kept panicking -- what meds am I forgetting to take? What appointment am I missing? Oh God, what cycle day is this, I don't even know! Then I would remember, and relax, and think of my needles and sharps container and Follistim pen stored away in their secret spots, and not miss them one iota.

Now when I crave a Mexican Coke or a caramel latte from Starbucks, I don't have to consider the potential harm the caffeine would do to my fragile reproductive system; I just have to think of what time it is, and would I ever fall asleep if I indulged in said treat at 7 p.m.

When I've had a hard day and just want to go run it all out on the pavement or beat myself up at boot camp, I can just go do it.

When I want to make plans, I don't have to fire up Google Calendar to see how these possible plans might interfere with treatment.

I'm not crying over every tiny inconvenience in life; I'm not waking up in hot sweats; I'm not keeping my phone at my side every waking moment for fear I'll miss the call from the nurse. I don't have to worry about what size my follicles are or how thick my uterine lining is. I don't have to force my husband to masturbate into a plastic cup; I don't have to cram in a wine night with my friend before the two-week wait. I've even stored away the OPKs and the HPTs -- I'm just shelving it all until we get back from South America.

The downside of all this is that we won't make a baby. The logic behind this thinking is that if we can't make one even with all of the above paraphernalia, there's no way we'll make one just going about our business. I'm pretty OK with not having a shot at making a baby for two months, until one of the following happens:

1. I see a baby.
2. I see a pregnant person.
3. I see a person who may or may not be pregnant: Maybe she's just overweight, or maybe she's just wearing a loose top for fashion. But probably she's fucking pregnant.

I've done an OK job at shielding myself from pregnant bellies and babies, but they do tend to pop up in unexpected places. Facebook pregnancy announcements do a pretty good job of shattering me to pieces as well, but to be honest, I've hidden so many people, my feed has dwindled to practically nothing.

So it's a weird line I walk ... just being normal old me, going to work, going to the store -- then suddenly sad, jealous, hyper-comparison-making me, losing her mind over some stranger's baggy shirt.

But still, I stand by my proclamation that overall, it feels good to be on treatment hiatus for the time being.

Philip had a cold over the weekend, so we basically hibernated, eating take-out food, researching our big trip (seriously, my friends, I canNOT believe I am going here!) and watching This Is 40. (Which is hilarious, and I will watch anything directed by Judd Apatow, and there's even some infertility humor in the movie that totally splits my gut. But seriously, can we please [SPOILER ALERT] be done with the whole oh-no-I'm-accidentally-pregnant-at-40-whatever-will-I-do plot? It nearly ruined Modern Family for me. This predicament is, I guess, tragic for fertiles who had their planned pregnancies at the appropriate time earlier in life, but to me, it will be reality that if I have children at all, it will be at an advanced maternal age. So while this may be high drama in some circles, for me it's just a fact of life, is not compelling in the slightest and, in fact, is annoying as hell.)

Ranting aside, the weekend was just kind of ... normal. Philip and I reminded me of the old us, before charts and thermometers and pills and wands and needles came and changed everything.

So that's my transmission from my kind of pitifully insular, self-obsessed infertile life. Hanging onto small joys, living in the balance. Thank you, as always, for following along.

UNDER CONTROL?

My lovely T.J.Maxx yoga mat, temporarily retired

Things have been pretty uncertain at my workplace lately. I work for a magazine publisher, and publishing has been a real mess pretty much since the invention of the Internet. It gets worse every year. No one knows what to do with iPads and smartphones and Google's ever-changing algorithms for search-engine optimization. We're competing with not only other magazines but also TV shows, social networks, blogs, Candy Crush Saga, you get the idea. There are a million forms of entertainment these days; how many of us are really picking up a magazine anymore?

Nevertheless, I hang on. Publishing retains its glamorous sheen, despite the continuing closure of magazine brands every month. Even Express stores carry pants with names like "Editor" and "Columnist." And of course, my job comes with the perk of getting to travel on someone else's dime to popular destination-wedding and honeymoon locations. Who could willingly walk away from that?

But it's a stressful time to work in this field. Since the beginning of 2013, my company has sold and/or closed 12 magazines. Twelve! We've gone from 50 brands to 38. Every couple weeks there's more shocking news coming down the pike, more friends laid off, fewer people to do more work.

Last week we got more bad news: The onsite office space a group of us had been using for a lunchtime yoga practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays was finally leased after a year, so yoga was on indefinite hold.

As my friend Vicky said, "I can't take another loss!" Yoga has come to mean so much to me in these last few months, and the convenience of having a twice-weekly class right at the office, with my friends, has been a huuuuuge blessing. It's a weekly gift in the midst of monthly disappointment. It's a quiet, healing space when my brain just won't let me be. It's a physical release I don't have to give up, even during a treatment cycle.

I know I can find another yoga practice, but I don't WANT to. I love this instructor. I love the timing, the location and the other people in the class. I loved the certainty that, twice a week, even if everything was NOT OK AT ALL, it was OK for an hour.

Now everything feels, in a word, uncertain.

Will we be able to find another open space at the office for our yoga class? Will my magazine brand survive the massive sea change engulfing publishing right now? Will I have a job next year, next month ... ? Will I ever be a parent?

I know nothing in life is a guarantee, but I enjoy that feeling that at least SOMETHING is under control -- that if I don't have X, at least there is always Y.

Of course, I haven't lost everything, so I don't want to sound over-dramatic. I have an amazing husband, and he has a lucrative (if demanding) job. Our cats are healthy, and so are we for that matter, save our largely unexplained infertility.

But going into work day to day and feeling like the the proverbial other shoe is hovering over my head, threatening to drop at any moment, doesn't feel great. It's stressful, and it makes me feel even more out of control during a time when I have already lost control of our future and our ability to build our family.

So losing yoga was kind of the last straw.

Except ... it's not. I carry on, and I'd carry on even if my magazine closed and I was thrust into the unpredictable land of unemployment. Yoga may come back, or I may find another practice. I may get pregnant and I may not. Whatever happens, life keeps moving forward.

I suppose none of us really has control over anything; it just feels like we do when things go our way. And maybe I'm just the beneficiary of some giant life lesson about letting go and letting God. I could probably learn said lesson a lot faster if I weren't so cynical, so stubborn, and clinging so insistently to the few areas of my life that still feel halfway under my control.

The greatest irony of all: Yoga teaches open hands and open hearts. Guess here's my chance to really apply my practice, even in the absence of it.