YEAR IN REVIEW

Things that happened in 2012, in no particular order:

Philip's dad passed away.

I went to St. Kitts and Nevis with my mom.

Philip and I went to Panama (as in the country, not Panama City Beach, Florida).

Philip and I ran our first 5K race.

Then we ran three more 5K races.

My friend Katie came to visit.

My friend Sharon came to visit.

Our friends Mike and Jill came to visit.

Philip and I went to Savannah, Georgia, for our friends Tim and Lauren's wedding.

Philip and I went to St. Lucia.

Philip and I went to Los Angeles for my sister Alyssa's birthday. We sang karaoke. Well, I did. Philip didn't.

Philip went to Minneapolis with his friend Ben.

I went to the Dominican Republic with my friend Audrey.

I said I was going to spend my summer getting tan, and I did. It was fun while it lasted.

Philip and I watched a ton of baseball.

Philip went on 16 work trips. He brought back hard-to-get beer from every one.

I tried acupuncture for the first time. It cured my headaches, but not my infertility.

Philip and I went to South Carolina for the wedding of Philip's sister, Lydia.

I went to New York City to attend bridal fashion shows. Yup.

Philip and I celebrated seven years of marriage.

I went to Fiji.

Philip and I spent a weekend at New Smyrna Beach with our small group.

I spent three nights in Palm Beach, Florida, at a fancy wedding-industry conference.

Philip and I went to Rockford twice.

Philip bought season tickets for UCF basketball.

Philip and I started fertility treatments. We did two unsuccessful cycles of timed relations with medication. We tried to do our first IUI, but the cycle got canceled because I didn't respond to the ovulatory medication.

I was often sad, sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes caught up in the pleasure of a happy moment, but I was never, ever bored. I have a strong feeling 2013 is going to be a very different type of year.

Thank you for following along. I write this blog 5 percent for my own record and therapy, and 95 percent because I know people are reading. Whatever your circumstances, I pray your life is defined by defiant hope, unshakable joy, driving passion, and love that overflows into the lives of everyone you encounter.

SCORPIONZ

For the past several years, Philip and I have been involved in a small-group Bible study. Group has essentially served as "church" for Philip and me, as we don't have a real church home right now. Group is what has kept us studying the Bible together, reading books about spiritual growth, praying, and staying accountable to friends who also follow Jesus.

It's gone through many changes over time. Couples have had kids; they've moved on to other groups, other cities. Philip and I are now the longest standing members. For the last several months, we've been down to six members (us and two other couples), and we've fought to keep meeting despite each couple's other commitments with work and family.

I think the six of us could all sense that our time was winding down. We didn't have a clear vision anymore for what our focus should be or how to grow, and we are feeling the pull of finding more permanent church homes and plugging in. We decided as a group to continue meeting until the end of 2012 and then move on.

Last night was our final regular study. We wrapped up our discussion on the book of Ecclesiastes, helped each other process the heartbreaking, mind-blowing scandal rocking Summit Church this week, and split up guys/girls for a prayer time.

During the prayer time, I shared about my frustration with my follicles. I had since talked to the nurse, who said the doctor wants me to come back in on Friday for a follow-up ultrasound at no charge. I was thrilled that I wouldn't be charged for the scan, but the timing of the treatment was still stressing me out. The nurse said if one or two follicles had grown enough by Friday, we would likely do the IUI on Sunday morning. I'm supposed to leave on Sunday to drive down to Palm Beach for a wedding-industry conference, so the timing isn't ideal, but could work. However, if the IUI needs to happen on Monday, that would be a problem.

Amber and Laura were, as always, attentive listeners. They asked good questions, prompting me to consider options I hadn't thought of. Then they prayed for me. During the prayer, I thought of a verse from Proverbs that had come up during our discussion:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding; 
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

It's so hard to trust God in the midst of fertility treatment. When you're going through it, you're essentially trying to control your body and make it do things it won't do on its own -- things, by the way, that God created it to do. You're taking medications that replace or trump natural hormones, and you're undergoing procedures that supersede sex. How do I let go and trust God while also making these complicated plans?

But as often happens, the girls' prayer for me brought peace, and I left feeling that I just needed to be honest with my boss and then trust that God would work it out one way or the other -- and I needed to be okay with wherever the chips fell.

So, this morning I explained the situation to my boss, and without missing a beat, she said it was fine for me to drive to the conference a day late if needed. She really couldn't have been more understanding.

On Friday I'll find out the status of my follicles. It's possible that they'll still be way too small, or that too many of them will have matured (my nurse literally said the clinic won't let me become an Octomom), and that the whole cycle will get canceled anyway. But I'm on this wild path with God, and I know I'll be a lot more at rest if I can trust that he's really in control and that he works all things out for the good of those who love him and that he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

It's a day-to-day thing for sure. Some days I curse him. Some days I want to give up. Some days I'm so unhappy that I worry I might sabotage my marriage and all my friendships. But other days I feel hopeful, halfway normal, open-handed for whatever God wants to give or take away.

And I definitely feel thankful for the years of pursuing God together with the other couples, especially the women, in the small group. Thank you, ladies. Your prayers and friendship have kept me from falling off the deep end. You've helped me hang onto my weak thread of faith, and you've been a bridge of support during a vulnerable time when being part of a larger church body just didn't seem emotionally possible. I will be watching with great curiosity to see where God leads us all next, and I want to stay close -- you can ask me about my follicles anytime.

LAZY-ASS FOLLICLES

I'm really down today. Because my follicles are too small. I actually went and sat in my boss' office and told her I was upset because my follicles are too small. She doesn't have kids and has never tried to have kids, as far as I know. Her response was, "What's a follicle?"

I SO wish I didn't know what a follicle was. But not only do I know what it is, but I'm also upset because at this point in my cycle (day 12), one follicle should be at least 15 or 16mm, and it's only 9.5mm. What is my body doing? While other women's bodies are busy producing hormones and getting ready to ovulate in a couple days, mine is just lazily lolling about. "Maybe I'll ovulate on day 21 again, like I did last month," it thinks. "What's the rush? Who minds having a 35-day cycle?"

Well, body, I DO. A normal cycle is 28 days, not 35. You cause all kinds of problems when you wait around and don't do what you're supposed to do. For one, when you finally get around to ovulating, it's now considered a weak ovulation. That's no good. Also, you screw up the timing of everything. Philip and I have to travel frequently because of our jobs, and we try to plan our trips so that they won't interfere with treatment cycles. When you're a week behind schedule, that throws a major wrench in the works. And besides all the technical stuff, do you understand that it drives me BANANAS to have to wait even longer to move this glacier of a process forward? Every month, my two-week wait feels like an eternity, and you're just dragging things out even more.

This treatment cycle, which we were hoping would be our first IUI, is now threatened. Best-case scenario, I'll have to go back for yet ANOTHER $275 ultrasound to hopefully confirm you've gotten your act together. Worst-case scenario, the cycle will be canceled all together, and we'll have wasted the $425 we've already spent on pelvic scans. Do you know how much I enjoy flushing $425 down the toilet? I DO NOT ENJOY THAT AT ALL.

I've about had it up to here with my seemingly healthy but clearly defective body. I thought we were done with these erratic cycles. Maybe I will punish my busted anatomy by having a fourth piece of chocolate before 11:30 a.m.