When I started spotting this month -- my period's friendly little way of letting me know it's coming -- I just rolled my eyes. I wasn't surprised; we had just made one measly (but well-timed!) attempt in the midst of Philip's grief, my mother's visit and my trip to St. Kitts. (I didn't even get up, just stuffed my underpants with tissues and went to sleep -- stay up in there, spermies, dammit! Maybe I need to invest in one of those Batman-style exercise contraptions that hangs you upside down?)
So with Aunt Flo on her way, I did what any sensible woman in my position would do: I Googled "Why the f#*k am I not pregnant yet?"
I wasn't sure what the old trusty search engine would do with such a query, but on page 2 of the results, I came across this post on 999reasonstolaugh.com. O. M. F. G. This website is the greatest thing to ever happen to a woman struggling to conceive. Its author, who calls herself "Infertile Naomi," has the most amazing sense of humor about all of this infertility nonsense. I spent two hours on her blog, soaking up every entry with a vengeance, sometimes laughing so hard I cried.
This woman is IN MY HEAD. It's all there -- the feeling that everyone has a baby but you; the obsessively inspecting your toilet paper; the well-intended but frustrating advice from people who have no idea what this is like; the pain and jealousy anytime you log onto "FertileBook" ... The blog's author has the guts to say what I won't, and the wit to say it in a way that's disarming. Not being able to get pregnant when you really want to is absolutely awful, but I can't stay upset about it when I read a line like, "Why don’t you just adopt? Just fill out a form and a brand new baby will be delivered within days!"
In honor of finding this blog, which I just want to hug, I came up with my own list of five reasons to laugh at infertility. Here goes.
1. You give major props to Up All Night for actually being watchable even though it's about a pair of new parents adjusting to life with a baby.
2. When you see that Honda Leap List commercial, you want to crawl inside the TV and shake the naive husband who wants to see the Northern Lights, go spelunking and build a fighting robot before trying for a baby. "No you fool!" you want to shout at him. "You can go all the way to Thailand and Tanzania and then try for a year in vain and realize you're probably going to need nasty meds and inseminations and even IVF, and you would trade all of the exotic travel and any other baby-free achievement you've had for a positive pregnancy test! START TRYING NOW!"
3. At Christmastime, you're legitimately jealous of the Blessed Virgin Mother Mary.
4. You are jealous of your own mother for the ease with which she conceived your own deranged self.
5. At the office, when your pregnant coworker tells you that your hair looks great, you briefly consider offering to swap your hair for her womb. Then you say, "Thank you."