1 YEAR, 7 MONTHS AND 6 DAYS

It has now been a month and three days since Philip popped the question, so I figured it was about dadgum time I gave you poor curious people some details. Many apologies for the delay. Applying for grad school and a nasty sickness (mono?) have been keeping me from doing many of the wedding-ish things I'm anxious to do, but it looks like I'm out of excuses now. Disclaimer: I'm in a writing mood today, so you're getting the long version.

Over a month before The Big Day, Philip and I had planned to celebrate our Christmas together on Dec. 18. A couple weeks later, I got an invitation for a friend's wedding for the 18th in IL, and I expressed to Philip that since I was planning to quit my job, I could go. "But that's the day we're celebrating Christmas!" he replied passionately. He was very insistant that we retain our Christmas plans for that day, which raised my suspicions for the first time that this could potentially be IT.

As the 18th approached, I heard no more mention, so I brought it up to Philip: "Would you like to plan the day, or should we plan it together?"

"Oh, that's right! We're celebrating Christmas that day, aren't we?" he said nonchalantly, as though he had forgotton. Hmm, suspicious indeed. "Well, I'll plan it."

He would give me no details for the day except that I had to be ready to go at 6:45 a.m, because we had tickets. Tickets? For 6:45 a.m.? "Maybe he's flying you somewhere," my roommate Chelsea suggested. That would be quite the day trip. Chelsea was the only person I kept appraised of all of Philip's strange behaviors leading up to Dec. 18. If that day was not, in fact, The Day, I didn't want to have to notify like 50 disappointed people.

The night before our outing, he gave me a list of items to bring: casual clothes, clothes that could get wet, a camera. Well, we certainly weren't going out for a romantic dinner. I guessed that we were going to go white water rafting in Georgia. I wasn't really that far off.

Philip picked me up bright and early, and we headed toward downtown. Our destination, as it turns out: the Amtrak train station. Our tickets were for one round-trip journey to Tampa. We were early, so before we left, we wandered around the farmers' market that was bustling in Winter Park. Philip was severely tempted to buy a crepe. I discouraged him. More on that later.

We rode the train to Tampa without any mishaps. When we arrived, Philip's friend Martin was at the station with his pimpin' Cadillac. We dropped Martin off at his fiancee's house so we could have the car and proceeded to Honeymoon Island State Park. "So this is where we're going," I said.

"Nope," Philip replied. What?

We parked the car inside the park, but then walked over to the ferry landing. Our true destination was Caladesi Island, another state park off the coast of Clearwater. The entire Island is a preserve, and its beaches are rated number four in the country, after a bunch of beaches in Hawaii. The trip on the ferry was a delight; our ferry captain had a white beard, wore a Santa cap, and told us passengers many interesting facts about our destination.

It was a sunny, chilly day on the island. Philip had packed us a lunch of all my favorite snacky foods (cheese! etc.) to eat on the beach. We looked pretty cute in our stocking caps, if I do say so myself. After we ate, we decided to rent a two-person kayak. The island features these beautiful kayak trails through the mangroves. Sounds like fun, right? Adventurous, but really, what could go wrong?

The water could be very shallow, and you could get stuck like a million times, that's what.

After about 10 minutes of kayak fun, we nosed into a section of the trail that was about six inches deep and came to a sticky stop. Unable to free ourselves, Philip tried to get out to pull us, but his foot sank quickly into the muck. "Get back into the boat!" I screamed, panicked.

"Calm down!" he grumbled. We continued to struggle through the shallow, cold waters, getting more and more testy with each other and more and more wet. We dual-scooted our way through the extremely shallow portions and nervously paddled through the slightly deeper ones, praying we wouldn't get lodged in the mud again. I was feeling insecure because I wasn't the "Queen of the Outdoors" like I sometimes worry that Philip wants, and he was feeling insecure about potentially ruining our engagement date.

As a last-ditch effort, we chose to exit the trails and try our luck out in the bay. It wasn't much deeper, but we didn't get stuck again, though I never quit fretting that we would until we arrived back at the dock. We did, however, have to contend with wind blowing strongly in the opposite direction from the one we wanted to go. We finally docked, and we stood on the pier, dripping wet, frumpy, and glaring at each other. We decided to take a brief break; I headed to the bathroom to change and clean up, and he headed into the little store to get his deposit back. We would meet back on the beach.

When we converged again, I was feeling better to be on land, and he was bearing a gift from the leathery lady in the store: two perfect sand dollars that she had found herself and given him as an apology for renting the kayak despite the low tide. We laid in the sun and let our pants dry, everything forgiven.

We eventually had to hop back onto the ferry to return home. Leaving our island in the distance, we made our way back to the train station. Upon arriving, we learned that the train was running two hours late. Philip seemed hardly fazed, and I, in my over-analyzation of all his words and actions because I was still very much tryinig to figure out if this was Proposal Day or not, felt this was a clue that this wasn't it. Surely, if he was proposing today, a two-hour-late train would put a kink in the works and upset him a little more.

We pulled out our snacks again and talked and talked, mostly about our professional futures. Eventually, we got back on the train, and we selected kosher hot dogs for dinner. Again, I thought, this isn't it. We wouldn't have hot dogs for dinner on the day he proposes. Ladies, do not ever make this assumption.

The train ride was more eventful this time. We got evangelized by an elderly African-American woman, and I got grouchy. Surprise, surprise. Tired of traveling, tired of being dirty, and tired of being cold, I began to whine about the undisclosed location where Philip planned to have us exchange our Christmas gifts. "Is it far?" I complained. "Is it outside?" At this point, I had decided that the proposal was not happening, and I was ready to call it a day.

Philip, in his patience, assured me it was not far, and although it was outside, we would have a blanket and hot cocoa. We stopped to get the cocoa from a quaint coffee shop downtown and began to drive. To where, I did not know. But as we got close, I realized our destination, and I immediately knew that I was wrong - Philip WAS going to propose!

I began to shake. We were going to the lake where we had sat on our second date and held hands for the first time. The spot was across the street from a church and was a mini outdoor sanctuary, with logs for pews and a cross at the front. We had never been back since that night. Tonight, the moon was shining on the water, and I sat and shivered violently. "What's wrong?" Philip asked.

"I'm just cold," I said. A lie.

I gave him my gift: a crepe pan. Or, as I like to pretend: a Swedish pancake pan. The box was huge. He loved it. After he opened it, he said he didn't have my gift here, and he began to get nervous and talk about his love for me and desire to take care of me. He told me to close my eyes, and when I opened them, he was on one knee, asking if I would marry him and slipping the ring onto my finger.

I didn't say yes; I just lunged at him for a hug. We began to laugh and cry, and we stood up, him taking me in his arms and spinning me around. I finally remembered to say yes, and then I apologized for being such a brat earlier. He said he expected it (when he was planning a surprise birthday party for me earlier in the year, he had to lie and say we were going to a Starfyler 59 show. I whined, wondering why we would go to see a band HE likes on MY birthday. Nice, huh?). He told me to look at the ring. Being the resourceful man that he is, he had even brought along his headlamp so I could see it in the dark. It was beautiful - a 3/4 karat round-cut diamond set in white gold. The prongs swirled up on either side gracefully. We prayed together, and then he said we had to get going.

When we got back to my house, Philip had a small reception waiting for us of friends and family. I was buzzing, smiling from ear to ear and unable to catch my breath. I noticed Chelsea wasn't present, and I asked her whereabouts. I was told she was at the store. When she arrived, we gave each other a huge hug and squealed like children. When I pulled away and looked behind her, my best friend Sarah Kearney was standing there. In my living room. Blink blink. Scream. Fall on the floor. Get up and hug Sarah like crazy. For my "Christmas gift," Philip had flown Sarah in from Arizona. I was completely overwhelmed. I don't think I've ever been so happy in my entire life.

So that's the story. I'm rather fond of it. It's unique, and it's a small portrait of our life together: We laugh; we travel; we have adventures; we have disagreements; we have deep, searching conversations; we get preached at by old ladies ... It was a very real, raw day, and it was nothing like I ever imagined my proposal to be like. It was a million times better.

Now for the facts, for those who are into those sorts of things:
Wedding date: July 30, 2005
Location: Rockford, IL (ceremony: Klehm Arboretum; reception: Cliffbreakers)
Officiants: Danny and Jodi Howell
Matron of Honor: Sarah Kearney
Bridesmaids: Alyssa Larson, Sarah Larson, Lydia Hueneke, Dianna McMahan, Chelsea Folmsbee
Jr. bridesmaid: Brooke Schmitt
Best Man: Ben Rose
Groomsmen (so far): Luke Hueneke, Mike Kotsis, David Achata, Dzuy Nugyen
Jr. groomsman: Jonathan Johanson
Flower girl: Elena Johanson
Ring bearer: Jordan Schmitt
Have I bought a dress: Yes
Color of bridesmaids dresses: Pink

CHRISTIAN OVERDOSE

Among the too-numerous-to-mention reasons why I am walking away from my job is this: I work with Christian people, speak directly to Christian readers, interact with Christian publicists, and read writings by Christians all day long. While I very much consider myself a Christian ("one who follows Christ"), I have become increasingly convinced that being surrounded by them - and only them - every waking hour is not a positive thing.

I received a story submission today by a man named Samir, a pastor in CA. Samir quoted one of his friends Tim, who doesn't consider himself a Christian. Tim asks this:

“Why don’t Christians present their ideas where everyone else does? They don’t come to book evenings, poetry slams, discussion groups, community service events, and social clubs. There are venues that we as a society set up for people to share ideas. Why are Christians absent from the places where they can’t be in charge?”

Great question, Tim. I am exiting my existing circle to come out where the people are. I hope to see you there.

FAREWELL, RELEVANT

I’m sitting here. Waiting. Waiting. Never been so nervous in my life. The last time I felt this way, I was about 5 years old, waiting in line to go on the Whizzer at Six Flags. I was in line with my dad, and the line was moving forward at a snail’s pace. But every inch brought me closer to the moment of truth, the moment I was dreading and simultaneously desperately wishing would arrive.

5:54 p.m. Still waiting.

The line ripples forward a few centimeters. My heart is pounding out of my chest. I think I might wet my pants, or vomit. I want to ride this ride, to prove myself, to say I did it, and now it’s over. My palms are sweating. We’re at the gate. Now we’re stepping across the yellow line painted across the concrete. I look at the car, picturing myself stepping in. I can do this … I can do this …

But I bail. I step over the car to wait on the other side, while my dad will ride alone. I couldn’t do it that day.

Today will be different.

Still waiting …

HAPPENINGS

Howdy. It's been over a month since I posted anything, and I haven't actually written anything since my "GRIPES" post, which prompted my grandfather to ask my mom, "She's not going to commit suicide or anything, is she?" Yikes. No, Grandpa, I'm not; things are just a little less than ideal right now, that's all. But quite a few things have happened in the last month, and I thought I'd tell you about them, mostly because Ian comes here to read posts, discovers none, and becomes sad.

So Ian, this is for you. And for Toob Sox. And Soda Diet. And of course, Swami Swams and Band of the Name. By the way, Ian, call Aaron about the website.

First of all, the above picture is of Philip and me in Vermont. We flew up to Boston a couple weeks ago to visit Philip's good friend Michael, who was a great host and treated us to some New England fun for a couple of days. We saw the fall colors in Vermont (who would have thought I'd miss fall so much?), picked apples at an orchard and walked the Freedom Trail in downtown Boston. I also got my geeky Passport to Your National Parks book stamped at ALL FOUR BOSTON LOCATIONS. This is no easy feat, people. Michael even had to do a little breaking and entering for one of the stamps.

RELEVANT has moved office locations. This means that I actually have space to breathe and a big desk. AND, after two years of employment at Relevant Media Group, I now have ... my very own phone extension. Can you stop me now?

My sister Sarah turned 17 on Oct. 14. When I left home for college, she was 10. What the crap is going on?

Sarah and Blake Kearney celebrated their one-year anniversary. In Seattle. In an isolated cabin in the woods. Marriage ... must be nice. Philip and I got them a Lonely Planet for the Southwest for a gift, so hopefully they'll be able to get some good use out of that.

Women of God Bible Study has come to an end. We did our last lesson last night. Did God do everything I wanted Him to? Nope. Did He do a lot of things I never expected? Definitely.

My new roommate Tinna bought two white cats. Their names are Angel and Soul, but technically, however those words are spelled in Icelandic. They're very affectionate. When I was a little girl, I always wanted a white cat. In fact (I'm hesitant to admit), I owned quite the collection of white cat figurines. And now I have two. Funny how God grants our desires ...

At work, I'm editing a book called Simplicity by Stavesacre frontman Mark Salomon. You should read it; you will like it. Especially you, Susan, since you enjoy memoirs. I laughed. I cried. I was educated about the origins of Christian hardcore music. Seriously, his story is compelling, and I'm extremely glad RELEVANT is republishing this originally self-published book (even though we, like the sellouts we are, have to delete all the profanities). Mark is also a good person, and he told me I have to write 1,500 words a day, which is "nothing once you get into the habit." Sure, Mark. So this is my 1,500 words for today (alright, not quite). He also recommended I read On Writing by Stephen King. Maybe if I quit my job to become a rock star, I would have time for these endeavors.

Last weekend, I went to my first pro football game. The Dolphins beat the Rams, and I had the pleasure of learning the intensely complicated Miami Dolphins song. Good times.

This weekend, Philip and I are hosting a giant fall bash. We literally invited over a hundred people. Granted, I don't know about half of them, but still, it should be a good time. If you're in the Orlando area, you should come out. It's at 7:30 on Saturday, Oct. 30 at my house, and it's BYOP - bring your own pumpkin for carving. AND, wear a costume. I won't say who I'm going as, but I'll give you a clue: She has a laniard collection.

Well, I think that covers the main events. Thanks for stopping by.

JESUS ROCKS

Agreed.

INEXPERIENCE

NA is undergoing some changes (mostly due to my internet ignorance).

Please bare with this older version of the site while I monkey around in the background. GY!BE will get us through this. I promise.

DON'T READ IF YOU'D RATHER NOT HEAR SOME GRIPES

I've had a fairly stressful string of things happen in my life lately. I don't want to sound all woe-is-me or anything, but it's like I start to wonder if I'm crazy. I look around, and most of my twentysomething contemporaries seem busy, but not overloaded; they seem somewhat stressed, but not haggard (thanks, Thesaurus.com); they seem to be burdened by a small aggravation or two, but not buried by several distressing situations. Then I look at myself, especially over the last few weeks. I've been crying; I've been cursing. I've had nightmares; I've driven Philip nuts by my constant complaints. He actually thanked me for not talking about work over dinner the other night. That can't be good.

I go to bed at night feeling nervous, like I'm forgetting something or neglecting someone. I wake up tired and overwhelmed by the day that stretches in front of me. And I wonder, What is wrong with me? Do I have depression? Am I just a characteristically unhappy person? Is the problem my attitude? My lack of quiet times?

But consider that in the last three weeks:
1. I returned home from vacation to a dead car battery and a leaking roof.
2. A good friend got in a car wreck that has left her on bedrest for a month and a half, and she is experiencing pain spasms and uncontrollable twitches.
3. Hurricane Francis came, requiring us to cover my entire house with plastic and make five trips to the dump to get rid of the debris in my cul-de-sac, which was in danger of becoming "dangerous projectiles."
4. Hurricane Francis prevented Philip and I from traveling to IL to visit my family, which was severly disappointing.
5. A close friend and coworker was unexpectedly fired from my workplace.
6. A former roommate moved out of my house, and a new roommate moved in.
7. A large praise concert event at my church was causing some dissention and worry among my church peers, and we needed to step in to help pull the plans together.
8. Philip had a birthday, which I of course wanted to help make very special for him, despite the time-sucking events of recent days.

I guess I'm just looking for persmission to feel stressed. I guess what I want is validation, the assurance that I'm not just a whiney wimp who will never be satisfied, who just needs to pray and read her Bible more in order to get a grip on life. And I just want it to stop, you know? I want a break. I don't mean that I want a problem-free life. I just want a free night at home once in a while. I want to feel like I'm living with balance and intentionality and purpose and not just desperately trying to keep the plates spinning. And stuff like that.

THEY SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY

Yesterday was Philip's 25th birthday. I made a dinner of salmon, twice-baked potatoes, and green beans. He got sick before he went to bed. Hopefully the two were not related.

If you haven't already, wish him a happy birthday!

QUARTER LIFE CRISIS

Last night, Erika and I headed downtown to see Minus the Bear, Paris, Texas and The Statistics. Doors opened at 8:00, but the show didn't start until around 9:15. The audience was primarily composed of hipster-clad scenesters worrying about when the next Yeah Yeah Yeah's album will be released. Mary-Janes, rolled jeans, paper boy hats and Parliament cigarettes - these are a few of my favorite cliches.

In an effort to not slander any one person's (or band's) work, I have decided to post anonymous reviews. Band #1 was extremely talented. They seemed to have a tight cohesion that most bands only find after playing together for years. The timing and layering involved in their music was amazing. It's not hard to produce a studio album that is comprised of piles of layering, it's another thing to actually execute that layering at a live venue. Band #2 featured a lead singer with a great personality that translated through the microphone and to the audience. While I enjoyed their set, side projects of semi-popular indie band lead singers don't usually tickle my fancy. Finally, band #3 was simply over the top and ridiculous. Enough said.

Half way through the opening band's set, Erika noticed that one of our friends had come in to the venue. It has been a long time since I've spent time with this friend, so it was great to see him. He is a great guy that has a lot of intelligence and creativity to offer. Spending time with him helps me feel alive.

As the night progressed, we talked about his recent trip to Israel. What is the first thing that you think of when you hear Israel? Palestine? Syria? I always think of violence and unrest. Sage Francis says that the media has some involvement with the way I think of that region of the world.

"...while a camera man creates news and shoves it down our throats on the West Bank, with a 10 second clip put on constant loop to provoke US angst."

While I do believe the media plays a role in how we view that part of the world, my friend presented an opposing view. He painted the picture of a place where Biblical "stories" actually happened. He told us about his group jumping off of a 9 meter barge into the sea of Galilee in the middle of the night . Wow. Christ walked on the water there.

As my friend continued, his tone became a bit more serious. During his trip, he visited a group of underground Jews that are attempting to rebuild the 3rd temple. This led to a discussion about Jews returning to Israel after the temple is built so that they can be atoned for their sins. My mind began to wander and the conversation came to a close shortly after. It was at this moment, with music blasting from the stage and the smoke burning my eyes, I realized that tomorrow I would be 25. No, it was not the first time I realized that my birthday was coming soon, but it was the first time that I began to process what that meant (if anything).

Car insurance costs go down. Renting a car is no longer a problem. In this country, these are the typical things that are associated with the age of 25. The first thing that I associated with the age of 25 was insignificants. Perhaps I felt foolish for watching some rock bands play while there are people on the other side of the earth fulfilling history (prophecy?). Perhaps the cards that I have played thus far in life have amounted to nothing more than a pair of duces. I suppose that I could get fired up and tell you that this year will be different. This year will be BIG and I am ready to take control of my destiny. I could, but that would be a lie.

25 means that I can serve more people. 25 means that I can understand myself better. 25 means I get to grow closer to the one that I love. 25 means I can begin to grasp what it means to be a man. 25 means I can reach out to the marginalized. 25 means I can love.

While I write this, I'm still wrestling with my significants in this world. Without reading a formula-turned-book, I realize that there is a purpose for my life. Obviously, I do not live up to that purpose everyday. I am simply strugling to understand the significants of that purpose in a world this big.

IVAN

Hit me baby one more time.

CAN I GET A WHAT-WHAT?

God uses messed up people, right?

I lead a Bible study. I never prepare for this Bible study sooner than the day of, usually on my lunch break. Today I grabbed a lunch at Firehouse Subs and headed out to the rear of Strang to eat whilst doing my study. I encountered the picnic table laying on the ground upside-down. This was doubtless a Hurricane Francis precaution. I set down my study materials and lunch on the ground and heaved the table right-side-up. It was covered with leaves and dirt and lizards, which I brushed off as much as I could, and I commenced my eating/studying.

The wind was fairly gusty and was working on pitching my lunch bag off the table, so I set my large lemonade upon it to secure it. I struggled to eat, keep the pages of my study guide and Bible flat, and ward off bugs and spiders. Meanwhile, I couldn't help but notice that I was growing pretty hot and sweaty.

Suddenly, a large gust of wind picked up one end of the bag, lifting my drink from its station and pitching it all over my pants.

At this point, a stream of profanities left my lips.

Disgusted, I recovered some napkins and did a half-assed job of cleaning up my spill, only mildly appreciating the fact that the stream of liquid avoided my books and sandwhich. I trudged back inside wondering if there are other Bible study leaders out there who prepare last minute and then let out a string of curse words at innocent gusts of wind. Probably not.

COBB MOUNTAIN

I spent last week on Cobb Mountain, CA, with my sister, Alyssa. She leaves today, and though her summer was filled with a fair amount of drama and menial labor, I'm sure it'll be difficult for her to leave. It was her home for the summer. It was my home for one week, and it was sad for me to leave. Where is it? Well, if you drive to the very northern point of Wine Country in northern California, up through Napa and Sonoma Counties into Lake County, and then you keep on driving, past the bed & breakfast town of Calistoga, up, up, up into the mountains, past a couple little mountain villages and rustic resorts, until you are the furthest away from civilization that you could possibly get. Then you pull into Pine Grove Resort and Spa on Cobb Mountain, which is a very fancy name for a place that consists of a pool, some half-finished cabins and a pile of ecclectically decorated trailers.

Oh, there's also a "general store," a bingo hall and "The Grill," where you can get hamburgers, hot dogs and ice cream cones.

But despite its humble accomodations, it was the perfect place to get away for a week and spend some time journaling, laying out and conversing endlessly with my sister, who I miss very much. We cooked dinner in her dumpy cabin, we hiked around the camp, and we piled on my bed to watch Young Guns on a laptop computer. There were no cell phones, no TV, no housing developments, no chain restaurants or strip malls. Just clean, dry air and a sky full of one trazillion stars. The mountains in California are yellow because there is no rain in the summer, and they are covered with low bushes and thin trees with red bark. We hiked to a series of waterfalls that are where God must hang out when He takes a break from keeping everything together. I wish I had a digital camera so you could see my pictures. I sound like I'm romanticizing, but everything I saw really was a world away from everything I've known.

I also visited wineries - stone buildings, gardens, rows and rows of vines across mountain faces, fountains and the peppery flush of red wine (I now know how to properly taste it). I spent a night in Chico, CA, to see Pedro the Lion play and slept on the couch of a man by the legal name of DNA. I hoofed across San Francisco with my good friend Geoff and pretended to be a photographer. Yes, I did see the Bush Man.

My objectives for this vacation were to rest, to spend meaningful time with my sister and to have adventures. Check, check and check. Vacations are interesting; you go to somewhere totally foreign to get away from everything you know, and you're glad to be away, but you also miss the familiar. Being close to Alyssa, though, I really didn't feel too far from home. By the end of the week, I was ready to get back to (hurricane-stricken) Orlando (mostly to see my true love), but being back is tough. I miss not having expectations piled on my shoulders. I miss the total lack of to-do lists. I miss the sun and adequate sleep and time to write for as long as I want to. Speaking of which, my lunch hour is almost over, so I'd better wrap this up.

I did vow to bring more creativity and rest into my regular schedule. There's no reason for us to be killing ourselves every day trying to do it all. I'm convinced that happiness lies somewhere in the balance of hard work and time to rest and express ourselves with people we love.

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

on sunday night, philip and i went to go see Napoleon Dynamite. it was easily as funny as we expected it to be (infinitely funnier than the last comedy i viewed in the theater - Starsky and Hutch), and, in addition to containing some classic lines ("i'm gonna do whatever i feel like doing, GOSH"), i found that i really did identify with the characters. While napoleon and friends are conspicuously geeky, something i have meticulously avoided being (at least to the casual observer), their idiosyncracies and quirks are much closer to mine than i maybe even want to admit.

living in rural idaho in the mid-'90s, napoleon - characterized by his parted 'fro, moon boots, and drawings of ligers ("pretty much" his "favorite animal; it's like a lion and a tiger mixed") - pedro - characterized by a classic premature mexican 'stache, Jesus and mary iconic candles, and "sweet bike" - and deb - characterized by her side ponytail, caboodles, and lanyards - make up a sort of (sub)urban tribe, all vastly different yet creating a community that makes sense to them. obviously misunderstood by their fellow high school classmates, napoleon and co. are picked on, rejected, or at best, pitited. yet despite their displeasure with how they're treated, the trio never tries to be anything they're not. unlike other high school comedies such as She's All That, in which, to the relief of the audience, the star geek becomes cool and attrative, napoleon is flailing ungracefully at the tetherball in the final scene, and i loved him for it.

when i was in middle school, my three girlfriends and i dubbed ourselves the "fliquers" in an attempt to combat the clique of "popular girls" of which we were not a part. our flique passed notes in the form of a paperback book on whose pages we wrote; we nicknamed the boys we liked things like "window with a view," "mihole," "OEOEA," and "luap the lion." we relished band; we listend to Amy Grant's Heart in Motion at sleepovers. we were misunderstood and left out by the cool girls and rejected by the very boys we so endearingly nicknamed. but we had each other. rather than try to find a way to fit in, we formed a subculture and found a place to belong that was safe and bizarre and beautiful.  

in high school, my friends and i - one girl the same as middle school, and the other two new - were no less weird. in fact, how strange we acted probably increased. now our jokes were peppered with things like leap cows, v-teams, markie the unicorn, hoochie the leopard, and knitboy. our quirky teachers provided us with endless entertainment - mr. steely's back room, the secret affair going on between mr. davis and mrs. erickson (masked by the need to "borrow her calculator"), mr. o'neil spying on us during prayer, the detzner strip, mr. culp balancing stools on his chin, mr. mckay throwing chalk, mr. bartel wanting to "talk to you so much!" ... as a supremely untalented cheerleading squad, we made up individual cheers for the guys on our team ("paul! he's tall! so pass the ball to paul tall paul!"). we threw small stuffed animals around in study hall. we called ourselves the "pigeons." we were undeniably weird, and we had a blast.

this quirkiness followed me into college, when, during my freshman year, we stole a couch from the hallway and made awards lists for each other of our most unique attributes (i won "longest legs" and "pointiest nose," among other things). my group of friends sophomore year on refered to ourselves as "ladies in waiting," and while we militantly rejected dating relationships, we talked about swinging from the vines, abdul muhammed, and "b-kat - where you at?" we "washed the windows" to prince's "kiss" and and tooled around on duct-taped motor scooters honking the feeble horn at people we passed.

even now, i find myself in groups whose behavior, from the outside, would seem foreign and odd. i hang out with people who say "happy sabbath" to each other, and i get up at 6:30 in the morning to power walk around my neighborhood with my roommates. my own relationship with philip is filled with so many inside jokes and made-up terms that if you were to tape record and listen to one of our conversations, you'd probably shake your head in bewilderment.

i read one review of napoleon dynamite that said they could relate because "we all knew people like that in high school." not me. i could relate because i have always been one of those people - weird, wonderful - a part of communities that are a little left of center. we care massively about things that are in effect very small. we break out into a fluid dance and then run awkwardly off the stage when we realize we're still going and the music has stopped. we remind each other of what our skills are. we've got wigs for when one of us has accidentally shaved off all their hair. we're misunderstood by the outside, but we make perfect sense on the inside. anyone who has ever been a part of a community like this ought to be able to "get" napoleon dynamite.

wanna play me in tetherball?

AWARENESS

the process of me becoming an official floridian was completed this morning, as, for $171.85, i purchased a florida license plate. the process went without a hitch, except when the woman helping me at city hall discovered i was still in the system as a male. the problem was fixed with a simple phone call, but i have to admit, i was a little befuddled at the ultimate incompetence of the man who helped me at the DMV last week. hopefully he was new.

i debated telling the woman that i had already tried to get the DMV to fix that little gender problem once, but i opted not to. i think people who work in any type of customer service hear enough complaints. for example, yesterday i scooted over to Bath & Body Works at the mall to pick up more shampoo and conditioner. b&b works has this bio line that works really well and smells really good. and the conditioner isn't runny. i hate runny conditioner. well, when i got to the store, the shelf containing the bio products was nearly bare, a small clearance sign hanging there sadly. my stomach dropped. no! they couldn't be discontinuing my product! this had happened with a face wash i really liked there several months ago, and that was almost more disappointment than i could handle. i found another face wash that works okay, but has nowhere near the refreshing cleansing power of the old face wash. i sought an employee and asked about the fate of the bio line. it had indeed been replaced by a new, "more natural" line of products. "NOOOO!" i howled. "bath and body works ALWAYS does this to me!" the attendant helpfully suggested i try the new line; she actually likes it better. no, i assured her, i would not like it better, because i do not like the new face wash better than the old face wash that got discontinued. she just looked tired and said i should buy up all the clearance bottles. when i reflected on this experience later, i felt very bad. this poor b&b works employee was just trying to get through her day, and i spoke crossly to her about decisions she had nothing to do with. this was crappy of me, and i asked God to forgive me, and so when i thought of complaining of the DMV employee's ignorant twice-repeated error to the city hall tag woman, i thought no, she will not benefit from me opening my big mouth. so i just stood there patiently and wished her to have a nice day when i left.

i want to attribute this very small improvement in my awareness level to the fact that for the last two days, i've gotten out of bed early to sit out on the porch and spend some time in prayer/quiet/reflection/whatever you want to call it. i don't say this to brag. in fact, i've been meaning to get up in the morning to have such a time of quiet for about 11 years now, and i'm just now finally doing it. it's a practice i highly recommend. this morning's experience was fairly dry until i shut my eyes (mostly out of sleepiness), and suddenly the sounds of the morning were so sharp that i couldn't believe my ears. i heard insects buzzing, i heard the calls and chirps of probably about 20 different kinds of birds - the melancholy coos of pigeons, the harsh caws of mocking birds, the gentle chirping of sparrows. it was almost deafening. i walked inside feeling more centered and calm than i had felt in a long time.

RHYTHM OF LIFE

there's a lot i could talk about today ... the mixed-message church service philip and i attended on saturday (do we only pledge allegeance to a heavenly kingdom, or do we flag wave and sing "America the Beautiful"?) ... how surreal 4th of july fireworks are over the ocean, in the rain, with hardly any people around, quiet but for the booms and thunder, in a group but feeling disconnected from every human being alive ... how well chicken kabobs go over at a party ... how my 16-year-old sister laughs at me for spelling "nuptials" wrong on public webspace ... how it's my other sister's 22nd birthday today, and i can't remember the last time i spent her birthday with her ...

but i think all i'm going to say today is that i spent saturday afternoon with philip and our friends david and amy, who just had their baby, ana, two weeks ago, and i love being around david and amy for many reasons. they are peaceful people. they have a sustainable rhythm of life that energizes them rather than drains them. they have many relationships, but they're not running around like crazy people trying to maintain all of them. they take naps and eat healthy food. their house isn't full of crap; their lives aren't driven by materialism. when they sit on the couch together, they cuddle. when david looks at a picture of his wife, he says, "look at that woman. i can't believe what a beautiful family i now have." they talk about deep subjects and read books. they don't own a TV. they write music. they ride bikes. they had ana naturally. when i'm around them, i see how life can be - how it doesn't have to be hectic, and it doesn't have to require bigger and bigger paychecks. i see what God had in mind when He thought of marriage and child birth and raising a family. and it doesn't seem so impossible to get to that place.

saturday was a good day.

FORAY INTO POLITICS

at this point, i'm going to make my first foray into political commentary, which, to be honest, is pretty intimidating, with my limited political understanding. when you're growing up in a conservative christian household going to a conservative christian school and attending a conservative christian church, these are the basics you're taught:

1. republicans are good. they don't believe in abortions, and they want to keep prayer in the schools.
2. democrats are bad. they want to take away important rights like being able to own a gun and increase the power of the government, which will eventually lead to no freedom of religion and the persecution of christians.

now, i must say, i loved my school and church (which finally updated their website, which was an extremely exciting discovery) and through both, learned many valuable things about God and life that i still hold closely. likewise, my dad did a great job of explaining his choice to be a republican, which i think has more to do with the fact that he's a business owner than with any beliefs that a primarily democratic government will lead to the apocalypse. however, the point remains that my understanding of the major political parties was pretty skewed.

now that i'm in my 20s and actually pay a little bit of attention to what's happening in politics (mostly because philip follows politics a ton and brings certian easier-to-understand happenings to my attention), i see that the lines are not so black and white. while i don't want abortions to be legal (i feel that the government can make laws about life-and-death issues, and women do have a choice - whether or not to have sex), i don't think it'd be appropriate for a teacher in a public school to pray to the (my) judeo-christian God before class. i'm not sure the phrase "under God" ought to remain in the pledge, considering i wouldn't be too thrilled about having to say "under buddha" as a grade school student, which is how a young chinese-american student might feel at present. i'm in favor of people being allowed to own a gun, but it makes sense to me that people should have to go through extensive checks and waiting periods to see if they're responsible enough. i don't care if there's a rock outside a courthouse that displays the ten commandments or not. but the bottom line with all these issues is that i don't think any of them are worth making a voting decision over. what are the real issues?

improving education is important. revitalizing the inner city is important. reducing homelessness and joblessness is important. preserving the environment is important, because the resources on this earth are limited, and "the end of the world is immanent" is not an excuse to trash the planet. not jumping head-first into a very sketchy war is important. and, typically, it's the democrats who care more about these issues.

a couple events triggered this stream of thoughts. first, philip directed me to a Washington Post article that discussed President Bush's plan to hit up the Church for support. the article begins, "The Bush-Cheney reelection campaign has sent a detailed plan of action to religious volunteers across the country asking them to turn over church directories to the campaign, distribute issue guides in their churches and persuade their pastors to hold voter registration drives." according to this plan of action, by aug. 15, religious volunteers are to "talk to your Church's seniors or 20-30 something group about Bush/Cheney '04" and "recruit 5 more people in your church to volunteer for the Bush Cheney campaign."

to use God's people as a voting pool by being blatantly manipulative of the age-old christian=republican line of thinking is pretty low, if you ask me. when philip and i walked into a long's christian book store a few months ago, the first thing we saw was a large, beautiful painting of the president, his head bowed humbly in prayer, with the angels of lincoln and washington laying hands on him, and Jesus himself looking on with tender love and approval. this kind of blurring of lines between political parties and christianity has no place in this country. churches should be encouraging their congregations to get educated, learn what the real issues are, and vote smartly - not lift up one party/man as being God's chosen. at least the democrats have the decency to stay out of churches - where worship of God, and not political pandering - should be the focus.

the second thing that promted me to write this entry is a spam email i received from the American Family Association. it was basically an ad for Dr. James Dobson's new book, Marriage Under Fire: Why We Must Win This War. first of all, why is a christian organization lowering itself to spamming? are not christians' ethics supposed to be a little higher than porn sites and viagra ads? be respectful of my private space, for crying out loud! secondly, even the title of this book upsets me. the war language sets up an us-vs.-them mentality - "us" being christians with conservative theological beliefs, and "them" being the liberals and gays. for one thing, i consider myself a christian with conservative theological beliefs, but i don't identify at all with dobson and his crew. secondly, i have friends who are the liberals and gays i'm supposed to be battling against, and fighting them will only push them further from the wonderful love of Jesus that i've found. Christ never said "fight those whose socio-politcal views make you feel threatened." he said, "love your neighbor as yourself." lastly, the imagery of the two brides and the two grooms which appeared in this email i also found manipulative and inappropriate. why hyped-up stamps reminiscent of those that appear on "girls gone wild" - "CENSORED!"/"LEGALIZED!" why war language? why guns? once again, if being a republican means getting on the fight-gay-marriage-to-the-death bandwagon, then i'm count me out.

BEACH NUPITALS

the pics above and below are from my roommate chelsea's wedding. it was the first beach wedding i've ever attended, and while i had my doubts about how exactly it would work, it turned out to be quite lovely. we had to deposit our shoes in a big pile a little ways off from the makeshift "aisle" (crafted by some white tooling and little green garden posts), and both the bride and the groom wore white. the justice of the peace who married them said we could all move in closely, and the forty or so guests in attendance jumped at that offer, crowding up to the bride and groom like they were rock stars performing a concert. it was outrageously humid outside, but i think withstanding the humidity was worth it to get the pictures they got. it was like the set of a movie - blue skies, rolling ocean waves, white sand ... it's painfully cliche, but TRUE! after the wedding, we partied at Captain Hiram's, which is one of those open-air waterfront seafood places that has become a stereotype of itself, but provided a relaxed atmosphere, tropi-drinks, a live jazz band, and a nice view of the inter-coastal waterway. the whole experience was great fun, and it made me wonder why women tend to kill themselves planning their weddings. chelsea's didn't feel like it was lacking anything, and yet, she planned it in under two months and didn't have to sell her soul to pay for it.

post-wedding existance has been fairly droll ... my roommate karen and i are putting off cleaning up our trashed house and dreading chelsea's return, when she will have to say good-bye to her husband for a year, as he's being shipped to afghanistan to serve in the military.

the only big news of this week so far is that i finally got my florida driver's license (after living in this state for almost two years - don't tell the po-po), so i guess i'm official. the process took two hours, as the license first read that i was a male. which i'm not. why are driver's license places always so busy? i probably watched 200 people come and go. you'd think people would get their driving biznass taken care of and there'd be at least a couple slow days. no. it's probably because they write on women's driver's licenses that they're men, and then women, who were once very patient, cooperative people, have to get back in line, wait for another 30 minutes, go through the whole picture-taking process again, and feel severely tempted to climb over the counter and strangle slow-moving and chatty employees.

BECAUSE WE'RE HOT...

BIBLE STUDY/BACHELORETTE PARTY

after all the whining i did in the last post, it's really pretty embarassing to admit how much connection i've experienced over the last few days.

thursday - girls bible study. this is an endeavor i started in order to get to know the girls in my college/career group at church. since i came in as philip's girlfriend, i figured that's how i was known. i was like an extension of him, and whenever i was with any of the girls (who were his friends long before he and i ever met), he was there. so, i created a time when we could bond guy-free. it started out with a fair amount of momentum; we had five at our first meeting, including a very curious woman from another church, and in the meetings since, we've had two other girls join us. but attendance is random; there's just not a lot of commitment. some of this i attribute to myself - in my efforts to not add another item to the "to-do" list, i've established a casual attitude that has crossed over into even merely showing up. plus, i haven't been using any sort of book/guide, since all the guides i considered using were lame, but i do a lousy job of thinking up any sort of DIY guide, so the discussion often falls flat. and we only meet every other week, so i think people get confused about if we're even having it or not. however, despite these considerable errs on my behalf, the women themselves haven't stepped it up to do their own studying, to find out if we're meeting, or to come on a consistant basis. it's all very discouraging.

we had planned to meet this past thursday at a pair of sisters' apartment, and i just had this feeling nobody would show up. i didn't feel like preparing anything, and said so to philip. "it's just not worth it," i told him. "why not?" he asked, and i was humbled, knowing he was right - even if it was just the sisters and me, they were worth preparing for. so i prayed about what passage to use (we've been studying women of the bible), and i immediately thought of the woman who anointed Jesus' feet and decided we'd do a little lectio divina. basically, this involves reading the passage out loud twice and asking God to reveal a word from the passage to you that He would like you to meditate on for 10 minutes. Ten minutes may sound like a very long time, and it is, but it really slows you down and allows you to relax and breathe. we're so uncomfortable with silence; i think it's healthy to force ourselves to be quiet once in a while. i also picked out some praise choruses centering on Jesus' sacrifice on the cross (surprisingly, there aren't that many) and figured we'd do a time of "checking in." this involves each person telling how they are - how they really are - and while they're sharing, no one else is allowed to say anything.

i headed over to the apartment, and i was right - nobody else came. it was just the three of us. but i proceeded with my little contemplative plan. we did the lectio divina, and i wondered at maybe shortening the time to five minutes. but God said no, do the full 10, so i did. my word was "weeping." i thought of all the reasons why people weep - joy, pain, disappointment, beauty, stress - and i thought of how Jesus even wept. words came into my head - expression, release, honesty. when someone cries, their soul is coming the surface. then we "checked in." i hesitated to even do it, since we had already chit-chatted earlier about our weeks and jobs and so on, but God said do it, so we did. when each sister shared, she started to weep. common themes came out - a lack of confidence, a feeling of uncertainty about the future, being in a difficult time of waiting, hurts that are hard to forgive. i was amazed at what came out when there was a concentrated and safe time of sharing. i think we all left that night feeling much closer than we did before, and i felt like i had a better idea of where this study needed to go. God knows what He's doing.

friday - chelsea's bachelorette party. this was also something i wasn't too amped about, just because i was feeling tired and sickish and i didn't know any of the girls coming very well, except my roommates. however, the evening really ended up kicking ass. we were all given goodie bags, which contained such goodies as leis, jelly bracelets, star-shaped sunglasses, candy necklaces, a personalized decorated cup, penis straws, and other trinkets. a tip for any girl planning a bachelorette party: give your attendees goodie bags. nothing makes you feel like you're wanted there like having a bag full of presents with your name on it waiting for you. we all donned our many items and took loads of pictures. we even wore them out, which set us apart as THE bachelorette party - where the party is. we also played some typical bachelorette party games, which involved cherries and whipped creme and bananas and condoms. gotta have those. we rode in a limo to our downtown destinations. i can't tell you how many times i heard, "where's erika?" or "erika, get in this picture!" i felt included, loved, appreciated. and chelsea was practically weeping tears of joy over how appreciated and loved she felt. "i've never gotten so much attention in my life!" she exclaimed. she deserved every minute of it.

saturday - discipleship group. this is a collection of couples and individuals from our church, including one of the pastors and his wife, who get together about once a month to discuss some topic and learn from each other and our various stages in life. philip and i are the youngest couple there, which our mentors, danny and jodi, being the oldest. we discussed what it means to worship "in spirit and in truth," why we go to church, how one goes about picking a church, etc. i was pretty floored by how much interest people there had in me, what i had to say, our Something More group, where i worked... the discussion was thought provoking, and it was hugely cool to meet people from our church who don't land in the 18-34 category.

today - chelsea's wedding. i have to go get ready for it now. it's on the beach, and i borrowed a white strapless dress with giant pink hawaiian flowers on it to wear. philip's computer assignment for his grad class was due tomorrow, but the due date got extended till wednesday, so we're in great moods. this should be another beautiful day.

TRUE COMMUNITY

the last couple days at work, i've been editing a book called The Relevant Church: A New Vision for Communities of Faith. The book contains essays by a variety of leaders in churches who can be described by words like "progressive," "culturally relevant," "emerging," "postmodern," etc. etc. etc. those terms actually make me want to gag, but the book is worth reading and has spurred a lot of thought on my part about what church is about, and if myself and the little group with whom i try to be the church on a local level are hitting the mark at all. one overriding theme is that being the church is integrated. that's a fancy way of saying it's a part of my everyday life. i'm not being the church just on saturdays (my church meets on saturday mornings). i am the church when we get together and eat, when we get together and play, when we get together and talk or serve or whatever. this is pretty tricky, as i live a minimum of 30 minutes away from anybody who i'm friends with who also loves Jesus. eating, playing, talking, and serving as a loving group becomes a major chore, involving phone calls and planning ahead and money for gas. extending hospitality to my friends is entirely inconvenient, as people find it to be a major pain to come out to my suburban dwelling in the obscure small florida town of oviedo. the book also talks about, as the church, creating art and praying in creative spaces and eating lunch with homeless people and having stimulating conversations in coffeehouses with both those who have a relationship with Christ and those who don't. these things do not go on in my life. creating art, for me, is writing, which happens once a month over my lunch hour if i'm lucky. if i want to visit a prayer room, i need to set aside an extra hour+ for the drive time. i make excuses for why i can't spend time with "the least of these brothers," and the only coffeeshop near me is barnie's, which - no offense to my roommates who used to be employed there - is suburban and generic and wedged into an overgrown strip mall across from the cineplex 16, and is anything but the environment to spir enlightening conversations about politics and faith and other cultures and the latest independent film showing in town. i sound pretentious, but maybe i'm actually worse than pretentious, because i don't ever actually watch indie films or vote, but i wish i did. anyway, i've been fascinated by the lives of these pastors who wrote in Relevant Church, how seamlessly it all seems to weave together for them, and i'm envious.

but, i've got to give myself some credit. last night, my wonderful, beautiful friend tara and i lapped the (under construction) lake at Crane's Roost, talking about God's will and fears about marriage and insecurity and the past and the future. so for one night, i was being the church in a fairly inspiring place (while Crane's Roost is pretty much a glorified retention pond, it has a nice walking path, and there's a pile of birds; wildlife improves any setting). meanwhile, philip was actually watching an indie film in a quirky downtown theater, and then watching an indie band play. so maybe we're not as far from where we want to be as i usually think we are. i think the solution to all these (fake) problems must be to move to the city. i need to get on that.

WELCOME!

welcome welcome! wow, here i am, the most technologically un-savvy person in america (besides my mom) with a functioning blog! i think i might burst. thanks to philip for taking mad initiative to get this thing going! the plans for this little webspace are, in no particular order, to get up photos of us and the writing i've done, to point you to music/films/books you should be checking out, to keep you up-to-speed on the multiple goings-on of philip's and my life, and to bring you poignant commentary on life, love, God, politics, and various trivial crap that seemed important at the time. check back! much love!

nice? nice.