It's National Infertility Awareness Week, which is quite appropriate, because I don't think I've ever been more aware of my infertility than now, during the second agonizing week of my two-week wait after our first IUI. We don't know yet if it worked, but that doesn't stop me from obsessively trying to figure out if it did or not. I reason out all the known factors over and over and over again in my head. It's all I think about, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. But I keep coming to the same conclusion: There's about as good a chance that it worked as that it didn't. We'll just have to keep waiting.
It seems that the waiting is driving everyone around me nuts. My parents, my sister-in-law -- even my boss -- are going nuts wondering. But believe me, folks, NO ONE is going more nuts than me.
It doesn't help that every night, I have to insert a tablet of progesterone into my vagina. What the progesterone does to my system is essentially like PMS on crack-cocaine. I'm exhausted. I'm constipated. I have headaches and boob aches and cramps.*
Worst of all, my emotions are going bonkers. It's almost like I'm standing outside myself, watching this crazy person cry and get mad and then suddenly laugh and then bounce between half-finished tasks with total ADD, and I'm going, "What is WRONG with that girl?! Pull it together, sister! You're a mess!"
But there's nothing I can do. The smallest annoyance sets me off and makes me aggravated beyond imagination. Then the next minute, I'm sobbing over something very serious, like it started raining. I'm exploding with nervous energy, but there's nowhere to direct it. The inside of me looks like a twisted, googly-eyed snow monster that terrifies everyone but really just needs its sore tooth pulled.
Thankfully, Philip has been very patient. And also, I don't know how evident my inner turmoil is on the outside. By most appearances, I think I still look pretty normal. I mean, I'm showering and applying makeup and what not.
So what happens if I'm not pregnant? I'll cry and be very, very sad for about a day or two, and then we will return to our regularly scheduled programming. I don't know why I'm dreading that so much. I try to cheer myself with the condolence prizes of wine, soda and boot camp class, but the reality is, I really want to have a baby. It's beyond all rational thought that I want to fully surrender my freedom in exchange for sleepless nights, poopy diapers and inconsolable crying, which will eventually give way to disobedience, begging for candy and spilling everywhere, which will eventually give way to sulking and getting into car wrecks and choosing terrible people to date.
And that's BEST-case scenario! Worst-case includes painful possibilities like serious health problems, behavioral issues and loss.
But here we are, striving and striving after it, risks and all. And the thought that it may never come to us is a boulder on my chest.
Regardless of the outcome, I may be a little radio-silent on this blog for a bit. I'll either be processing a miracle or processing a crushing disappointment, and my ability to compose anything articulate will be seriously hindered. Thanks as always for your prayers and interest in this saga, and thanks for your patience as you await our news, one way or the other.
*If you are thinking, "But wait! Those are early pregnancy symptoms!" I would like to share with you my belief that there is no such thing. "Early pregnancy symptoms" and PMS symptoms are identical. They are caused by progesterone, which is in your system after you ovulate, regardless of if there's a fertilized egg or not. The only real early pregnancy symptom is a missed period.