To prove once again that He has a sense of humor, God had it all worked out that less than 24 hours after our explosive argument, Philip and I were on deck to host small group at our house, a task that requires teamwork, preparation and open communication. We managed to pull our mess together, both conceding some wrong and carrying out small acts of penance just before go time.
Everyone showed up promptly at 7 p.m. to find snacks on the table and a pleasant Team Hueneke ready to discuss our upcoming study plan for the summer. We even moved into a time for sharing prayer requests toward the end and politely let everyone else go first. When it finally got to our turn, we couldn't avoid it any longer; we had to come clean. We looked at each other guiltily, reluctantly, and with a half-smirk.
Aaaand of course, everyone took one gander at that look and exclaimed, "OhmyGod you're pregnant!"
Ha. Not quite. I couldn't answer fast enough -- "NO! Pretty much the opposite!"
We all had a good laugh, and it certainly broke the tension. And ultimately, it was a good thing to have to confess our quarrel (despite how awkward everyone around us looked and no doubt felt as we struggled to articulate what had happened without incriminating each other).
So we're one step closer to reconciliation, and I have also learned a valuable lesson -- that I do have the right to remain silent, but doing so can be (unintentionally) used against me when my audience is on hyper pregnancy alert.
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Monday, June 06, 2011
LOVE & WAR
Philip and I sparred all day today. Two fights, maybe three. I can't really remember. I felt depressed and listless all day; maybe that was the problem. Parts of our conflict are comical in hindsight, like an argument over what shelf to put things on in the refrigerator or whether or not it's prissy to refuse to eat a banana after the peel is covered in black spots. I'm often completely caught off-guard by how issues such as these escalate into full-blown assaults -- how quickly I go from feeling a little defensive and cross to telling Philip that there is an @$$hole deep down in his heart.
We laughed about the above ridiculous insult later, but it still stung when I said it, and the sentiment behind it doesn't just evaporate the second we say we're sorry. Also, we never really resolved our morning clash, so I should have known the anger would rear back up unexpectedly, again over something seemingly benign -- whether or not to fold that load of whites, as it was midnight and I was tired and I had a headache. Before I know it, socks and undershirts are scattered all over our bedroom, I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, and the cats have gone into hiding over all the furor.
In our small group right now, we are studying marriage and are reminded over and over again in our study materials that marriage is ultra-difficult. The title of the book we're reading is literally Love & War, and in it, the authors reassure readers that everyone fights, that marriage is hard for every couple. But it's a challenge at times like these not to feel like we are the most dysfunctional, mismatched pair ever to say I do, and that surely when other married couples argue, they can keep a more level tone, not make such a big deal over a load of laundry, and end up sleeping in the same bed.
And of course it's not about the laundry; it's about values and feeling cared for and household roles and insecurity and differing approaches to life and work and on and on. And even if other couples we know aren't so expressive/explosive, these delicate issues touch every marriage. It's hard to feel any solace in that notion tonight, but maybe the issues at hand won't seem so dire in the morning.
We laughed about the above ridiculous insult later, but it still stung when I said it, and the sentiment behind it doesn't just evaporate the second we say we're sorry. Also, we never really resolved our morning clash, so I should have known the anger would rear back up unexpectedly, again over something seemingly benign -- whether or not to fold that load of whites, as it was midnight and I was tired and I had a headache. Before I know it, socks and undershirts are scattered all over our bedroom, I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, and the cats have gone into hiding over all the furor.
In our small group right now, we are studying marriage and are reminded over and over again in our study materials that marriage is ultra-difficult. The title of the book we're reading is literally Love & War, and in it, the authors reassure readers that everyone fights, that marriage is hard for every couple. But it's a challenge at times like these not to feel like we are the most dysfunctional, mismatched pair ever to say I do, and that surely when other married couples argue, they can keep a more level tone, not make such a big deal over a load of laundry, and end up sleeping in the same bed.
And of course it's not about the laundry; it's about values and feeling cared for and household roles and insecurity and differing approaches to life and work and on and on. And even if other couples we know aren't so expressive/explosive, these delicate issues touch every marriage. It's hard to feel any solace in that notion tonight, but maybe the issues at hand won't seem so dire in the morning.
Friday, June 03, 2011
WHAT'S NEXT?
So I resurrected the ol' New Aesthetic blog today. It kind of made me feel a bit omnipotent, that I was able to find the long-dead Web log (whose URL we let lapse years ago and is now for sale), give it a new URL, rename it and even update the html for the Friends box. These are not major feats for more technologically adept people, but for me, it was a great achievement worthy of a hearty self-pat on the back.
I even went back and reread some old posts I wrote and didn't cringe. Now THAT'S something.
So I've been thinking for some time that I need to start writing recreationally again. It brings me joy. And also deep fear about what people think of what I've written. But mostly joy. I used to want to keep a blog about the unique challenges and wonders of newlywed life, but now that Philip and I have been united in holy matrimony for almost six years, I think I have to finally let go of the cute idea that we are still newlyweds.
Nevertheless, marriage at any stage is still ripe soil for storytelling, so I think I will go ahead and explicitly exploit our relationship for the practice of my craft, and also, hopefully, for the enjoyment of my readers (fingers crossed I have some).
Plus, we seem to be at a crossroads, having decided that we are, at long last, ready to start a family. I have to admit, saying it out loud makes me shudder just a smidge, as I've always recoiled when people ask the inevitable question, "So ... when are YOU going to have kids?" After six years of marriage, we're hearing it more often, and I even imagine people are silently asking it in awkward pauses sometimes, i.e., I apologetically explain why we don't have kids yet even when nobody inquired.
Pretty much every couple we know has entered the baby universe. This includes couples who are years younger than us, couples who were married long after us, and even couples who swore they would never procreate. OK, there are a few of you husbands and wives out there who are still among the childless ranks with us, but you are far between.
To be honest, I don't know why it has taken us so long to decide it's time. But to be even more honest, I don't understand how everyone else got to that point so quickly. Frankly, the thought of being a parent scares the $#!+ out of me. I don't even know how to change a diaper, let alone teach a child how to cope with rejection or explain heaven. And the other side of it is pure selfishness -- I enjoy sleeping in and traveling all over the place and generally doing as I please.
But lately (that is, when I turned 30 about 15 months ago), my thinking began to shift. The "someday" of when I wanted to have kids seemed much more imminent. The face I saw in the mirror didn't look like a clueless, helpless 20-something; it was the face of an adult with her feet on the ground and a little know-how about surprisingly a lot. The baby aisles at Target, which had NEVER attracted my attention in the past, suddenly piqued my interest. (One day, while researching ideas online for a baby shower I was throwing, I ended up on a baby-nursery blog and was downright engrossed.) Philip and I have our finances pretty well in order and have checked off some major life-list items, including taking one big dream trip. And I just felt ready for what's next. Four years at my job and in our house, and I'm feeling the itch for another adventure, one with gravity.
And Philip has been moving slowly in this direction too, to my great relief. While we were in Thailand at a resort, we kept passing by the kiddie pool and both felt the twinge: Oh MAN, that pool looked fun!
So on this blog, I shall chronicle our journey toward parenthood, which, Lord willing, will be quick and effortless, but could take some time and turn out to be painful and disappointing (which is another reason I hesitate to even admit we're "trying," but c'est la vie, it's out there now). And of course, I still intend to bore you with one-off tales of my press trips (read: how hotels and tourism bureaus bribe me with over-the-top meals and indulgent spa treatments so I will write nice things about them) and just the regular goings-on of our quasi-suburban life. I hope you'll come along for the ride.
I even went back and reread some old posts I wrote and didn't cringe. Now THAT'S something.
So I've been thinking for some time that I need to start writing recreationally again. It brings me joy. And also deep fear about what people think of what I've written. But mostly joy. I used to want to keep a blog about the unique challenges and wonders of newlywed life, but now that Philip and I have been united in holy matrimony for almost six years, I think I have to finally let go of the cute idea that we are still newlyweds.
Nevertheless, marriage at any stage is still ripe soil for storytelling, so I think I will go ahead and explicitly exploit our relationship for the practice of my craft, and also, hopefully, for the enjoyment of my readers (fingers crossed I have some).
Plus, we seem to be at a crossroads, having decided that we are, at long last, ready to start a family. I have to admit, saying it out loud makes me shudder just a smidge, as I've always recoiled when people ask the inevitable question, "So ... when are YOU going to have kids?" After six years of marriage, we're hearing it more often, and I even imagine people are silently asking it in awkward pauses sometimes, i.e., I apologetically explain why we don't have kids yet even when nobody inquired.
Pretty much every couple we know has entered the baby universe. This includes couples who are years younger than us, couples who were married long after us, and even couples who swore they would never procreate. OK, there are a few of you husbands and wives out there who are still among the childless ranks with us, but you are far between.
To be honest, I don't know why it has taken us so long to decide it's time. But to be even more honest, I don't understand how everyone else got to that point so quickly. Frankly, the thought of being a parent scares the $#!+ out of me. I don't even know how to change a diaper, let alone teach a child how to cope with rejection or explain heaven. And the other side of it is pure selfishness -- I enjoy sleeping in and traveling all over the place and generally doing as I please.
But lately (that is, when I turned 30 about 15 months ago), my thinking began to shift. The "someday" of when I wanted to have kids seemed much more imminent. The face I saw in the mirror didn't look like a clueless, helpless 20-something; it was the face of an adult with her feet on the ground and a little know-how about surprisingly a lot. The baby aisles at Target, which had NEVER attracted my attention in the past, suddenly piqued my interest. (One day, while researching ideas online for a baby shower I was throwing, I ended up on a baby-nursery blog and was downright engrossed.) Philip and I have our finances pretty well in order and have checked off some major life-list items, including taking one big dream trip. And I just felt ready for what's next. Four years at my job and in our house, and I'm feeling the itch for another adventure, one with gravity.
And Philip has been moving slowly in this direction too, to my great relief. While we were in Thailand at a resort, we kept passing by the kiddie pool and both felt the twinge: Oh MAN, that pool looked fun!
So on this blog, I shall chronicle our journey toward parenthood, which, Lord willing, will be quick and effortless, but could take some time and turn out to be painful and disappointing (which is another reason I hesitate to even admit we're "trying," but c'est la vie, it's out there now). And of course, I still intend to bore you with one-off tales of my press trips (read: how hotels and tourism bureaus bribe me with over-the-top meals and indulgent spa treatments so I will write nice things about them) and just the regular goings-on of our quasi-suburban life. I hope you'll come along for the ride.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
GOT OUR SEA LEGS
Philip and I just got back from a quickie trip we took to sail on a segment of the maiden world cruise of the Queen Victoria -- one of the perks of my job. :) Check out pics here.
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