LOVE & WAR

Philip and I sparred all day today. Two fights, maybe three. I can't really remember. I felt depressed and listless all day; maybe that was the problem. Parts of our conflict are comical in hindsight, like an argument over what shelf to put things on in the refrigerator or whether or not it's prissy to refuse to eat a banana after the peel is covered in black spots. I'm often completely caught off-guard by how issues such as these escalate into full-blown assaults -- how quickly I go from feeling a little defensive and cross to telling Philip that there is an @$$hole deep down in his heart.

We laughed about the above ridiculous insult later, but it still stung when I said it, and the sentiment behind it doesn't just evaporate the second we say we're sorry. Also, we never really resolved our morning clash, so I should have known the anger would rear back up unexpectedly, again over something seemingly benign -- whether or not to fold that load of whites, as it was midnight and I was tired and I had a headache. Before I know it, socks and undershirts are scattered all over our bedroom, I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, and the cats have gone into hiding over all the furor.

In our small group right now, we are studying marriage and are reminded over and over again in our study materials that marriage is ultra-difficult. The title of the book we're reading is literally Love & War, and in it, the authors reassure readers that everyone fights, that marriage is hard for every couple. But it's a challenge at times like these not to feel like we are the most dysfunctional, mismatched pair ever to say I do, and that surely when other married couples argue, they can keep a more level tone, not make such a big deal over a load of laundry, and end up sleeping in the same bed.

And of course it's not about the laundry; it's about values and feeling cared for and household roles and insecurity and differing approaches to life and work and on and on. And even if other couples we know aren't so expressive/explosive, these delicate issues touch every marriage. It's hard to feel any solace in that notion tonight, but maybe the issues at hand won't seem so dire in the morning.