Hello blog world. I feel like talking about some personal things, which is pretty risky, as a person really has no idea who is reading these electronic musings. Close friends, family, acquaintances, enemies, strangers, past employers, current employers, ex-boyfriends ... who knows? I generally assume that when I see "0 comments," no one has read what I wrote, which is likely untrue. So I am just throwing these iDeas out into the universe, having no clue the responses I'll generate - the scorn, the comfort, the disgust, the relief. Today I re-read an old post I wrote long ago, and someone who identified him/herself as merely "passer-by" commented, basically saying that he/she never wanted to read my blog again, as I seemed like a very bitter person. So at the danger of prompting disdain such as this, here I go again with some fresh mind-mush.
It was recently brought to my attention, lovingly and gently, that I had become obsessed with buying a house, and that this obsession was damaging my marriage.
I don't take criticism very well. My first instinct is to fiercely defend myself and justify my behavior. But my friend who was sharing this observation with me was being very sincere and even crying, which indicated how hard this was for her to say and how much she cared about me and wanted to see me thrive spiritually and emotionally. So while I was feeling resistant inside, outwardly, I just kind of sank really low in the sofa and got really quiet.
She then prayed for me, and I couldn't help it - I started crying. Praying is such a vulnerable thing, and if you don't do it with others very often, and then you do it sometime and it's personal, you will probably cry. That's at least what I think.
While I initially deny fault when a criticism is delivered, I will usually go off and think about it and try to decide if the criticism is warranted and if I should change. In this case, it was clear that my friend was right. Buying a house had become the central and pretty much sole goal of my life that dominated all my thoughts and conversations. It was my top priority - higher than caring for my husband, than understanding and validating his differing thoughts on the issue, even than spending time with him recreationally. All I wanted to do together was get our finances figured out and go see properties. In the process, we were experiencing a lot of conflict, which I was even blaming on him and his lack of initiative/enthusiasm for house shopping.
When I confessed these things to him, he was very gracious and even pointed out the good things we had accomplished in our house-hunting process. The thing he wanted to know was, why? Why had this become such a consuming obsession in my life?
Good question. I had to really think about my answer. An obvious response is that I'm a broken, sinful human being, so sometimes I will do bad, hurtful things. Really, I have a genuinely positive desire for a home - a safe, personalized place where we can entertain, provide lodging, deepen roots, get pets, play in the backyard, etc. But somehow this good desire got warped and took precedence over other, more important things. It somehow grew this crazy monster head that was eating at my joy. I would not rest until we had bought a house!
Why did it happen? Maybe the Enemy saw a good thing and figured out how to make it destructive. He "found a foothold," to use Christian terms. And beyond that, finding a house gave me purpose and direction in life, during a time when I was feeling purposeless and directionless in the other major areas of my life - career, church, friendship, faith.
So now I've backed off the house hunt. I made a rule for myself that I could only look at listings online while I'm at home with my husband. This may seem silly, but the times I'm most vulnerable are when I'm feeling lonely and bored. When I'm at home enjoying my husband's company, I don't generally feel this way. So in the bored and lonely and aimless times, I need to fill up my mind with something else - writing (hey - like now!), contacting friends, taking care of neglected responsibilities, talking to God.
So far this experiment has been difficult, and my desire for a house hasn't disappeared. I do feel more in control now though, and Philip and I have been happier this last week or so. And while having to admit sin is extremely uncomfortable and even painful, it's a helpful reminder of how in need of God and his grace I am. And also in need of good friends who will deliver hard but essential news.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Thursday, April 05, 2007
ON MY MIND
Things have been really slow at work lately, so it’s given me a lot of time to think. Here are some things on my mind …
1. House
We are actively looking for a house to buy, and it comes as no surprise to me that it’s taking a while. It took us months to choose a dining room table and a TV, and this purchase is considerably larger. I’m very anxious to find “The One,” to make it our own, paint the walls, start replacing our hand-me-down furniture. I want to entertain and also enjoy our space when we’re sitting quietly at home together in the evening. It’s surprising to me how strong this desire is. I have to watch what I say because I overwhelm my husband, who just wants to make me happy.
2. Job
Philip and I agreed the other night that neither of us is crazy about our job. We both have decent-paying jobs that we like well enough, but we certainly don’t feel that we’re living out our life’s dream. It makes me wonder what my dream job actually is. I thought my dream would be to write full-time from home, but I tried that for a year and a half, and I struggled with the solitude and self-discipline. I’d love to be paid to write for a company. However, magazine publishing is fairly cut-throat, and I don’t really want to deal with that. Copy editing is kind of removed from the drama. That’s something I appreciate about it.
3. Vacation
We are planning to travel to Glacier National Park for our vacation this year. We intend to hike and white-water raft, and my body is not at this time conditioned to withstand these activities. We started exercising to prepare for the trip, but I overdid it and ended up with a ruptured tendon. It put an end to our three-week jogging stint and seriously discouraged me. I can’t even tell you how weak and lame I felt. I’m still kind of scared to try again, more for the fear of another failure than going through the pain again. But I’m very excited for this time in Montana — the beauty and vastness we’re going to experience. It will be very different from the beach vacations to which I’m accustomed. So I’m motivated to take two on the exercise front.
4. Best friends
My friend Sarah just gave birth to her first child, a son, at 12:05 a.m. today. My friend Amy has an almost three-year-old daughter, and I can’t imagine that number two is that far off. These women are the ones with whom I share my heart and most personal thoughts, and they are mothers. Being a mother myself is something that seems pretty distant, though I don’t want to lose touch with my mommy friends and fall too far behind in the child department. It’s not keeping up with the Joneses, but rather, being able to relate and share some of life’s most important experiences together. I’m so happy for my mommy girlfriends and thankful that they keep me around even though I don’t have any kids yet. I am just soaking up everything they unintentionally teach me about parenthood.
5. Church
Philip and I are moving toward a time of uninvolvement in our church for the summer. I can’t tell you what a relief this is. Since we’ve gotten married, we’ve never stepped back to examine where God would have us serve together. I have personally felt fairly disengaged from/frustrated with the machine that is the young-adult group we’ve been leading, and am just yearning to deepen individual friendships without the burden of keeping the machine functioning. This summer will be a breath of fresh air for me as we’ll be free from all the to-dos and can talk and pray about what’s next. I’m not sure Philip feels the same way I do …
6. Family
My parents are coming to Orlando soon for a vacation with my aunt and uncle and their kids. I can’t wait to see them. As I’ve gotten older, I feel that I can understand them so much better — they are people and peers and intimate friends. We can discuss decisions and insecurities and everyday life in a way that we never could when I was still an idiot teenager. My sister Alyssa is also headed to Florida for the months of June and July — she got an apprenticeship at a theater in Daytona! I’m so proud of her, and excited that I’ll get to see her shows and spend her birthday with her for the first time in years. My other sister Sarah just got her braces removed — another harsh reminder of her rapidly disappearing adolescence. While I enjoy our adult relationship, I still want to hold on to the little innocent girl who I used to hold on my hip. Is that OK, Sarah? You look beautiful with your braces off!
7. Marriage
While we wrestle with plans for and decisions about the future, I am completely content in my marriage to Philip Hueneke. He’s away on business right now, which always helps me appreciate more having him around to hang out with in the evenings — make dinner, chat about the day, laugh at the nightly news. He is my best friend in the entire world, who challenges and encourages and inspires me. When everything seems up in the air, Philip is the rock on which I stand. He is such an amazing gift.
8. God
I’m not feeling too close to him lately, which is really bad timing, since I desperately need his help with these major decisions we’re facing. I sometimes wonder if he has backed off intentionally, so that I’ll have to grow up and use the wisdom he’s given me to make smart choices. I’m not much of an initiator and I rely on others a lot, and I know God wants me to use the confidence he can give me to step out. But I’m also not pursuing him like I should; I can’t remember the last time I slipped away with my Bible and a journal to have a minute alone with him. In my heart of hearts, I know he’s always with me and has my back. Faith is a strange thing.
1. House
We are actively looking for a house to buy, and it comes as no surprise to me that it’s taking a while. It took us months to choose a dining room table and a TV, and this purchase is considerably larger. I’m very anxious to find “The One,” to make it our own, paint the walls, start replacing our hand-me-down furniture. I want to entertain and also enjoy our space when we’re sitting quietly at home together in the evening. It’s surprising to me how strong this desire is. I have to watch what I say because I overwhelm my husband, who just wants to make me happy.
2. Job
Philip and I agreed the other night that neither of us is crazy about our job. We both have decent-paying jobs that we like well enough, but we certainly don’t feel that we’re living out our life’s dream. It makes me wonder what my dream job actually is. I thought my dream would be to write full-time from home, but I tried that for a year and a half, and I struggled with the solitude and self-discipline. I’d love to be paid to write for a company. However, magazine publishing is fairly cut-throat, and I don’t really want to deal with that. Copy editing is kind of removed from the drama. That’s something I appreciate about it.
3. Vacation
We are planning to travel to Glacier National Park for our vacation this year. We intend to hike and white-water raft, and my body is not at this time conditioned to withstand these activities. We started exercising to prepare for the trip, but I overdid it and ended up with a ruptured tendon. It put an end to our three-week jogging stint and seriously discouraged me. I can’t even tell you how weak and lame I felt. I’m still kind of scared to try again, more for the fear of another failure than going through the pain again. But I’m very excited for this time in Montana — the beauty and vastness we’re going to experience. It will be very different from the beach vacations to which I’m accustomed. So I’m motivated to take two on the exercise front.
4. Best friends
My friend Sarah just gave birth to her first child, a son, at 12:05 a.m. today. My friend Amy has an almost three-year-old daughter, and I can’t imagine that number two is that far off. These women are the ones with whom I share my heart and most personal thoughts, and they are mothers. Being a mother myself is something that seems pretty distant, though I don’t want to lose touch with my mommy friends and fall too far behind in the child department. It’s not keeping up with the Joneses, but rather, being able to relate and share some of life’s most important experiences together. I’m so happy for my mommy girlfriends and thankful that they keep me around even though I don’t have any kids yet. I am just soaking up everything they unintentionally teach me about parenthood.
5. Church
Philip and I are moving toward a time of uninvolvement in our church for the summer. I can’t tell you what a relief this is. Since we’ve gotten married, we’ve never stepped back to examine where God would have us serve together. I have personally felt fairly disengaged from/frustrated with the machine that is the young-adult group we’ve been leading, and am just yearning to deepen individual friendships without the burden of keeping the machine functioning. This summer will be a breath of fresh air for me as we’ll be free from all the to-dos and can talk and pray about what’s next. I’m not sure Philip feels the same way I do …
6. Family
My parents are coming to Orlando soon for a vacation with my aunt and uncle and their kids. I can’t wait to see them. As I’ve gotten older, I feel that I can understand them so much better — they are people and peers and intimate friends. We can discuss decisions and insecurities and everyday life in a way that we never could when I was still an idiot teenager. My sister Alyssa is also headed to Florida for the months of June and July — she got an apprenticeship at a theater in Daytona! I’m so proud of her, and excited that I’ll get to see her shows and spend her birthday with her for the first time in years. My other sister Sarah just got her braces removed — another harsh reminder of her rapidly disappearing adolescence. While I enjoy our adult relationship, I still want to hold on to the little innocent girl who I used to hold on my hip. Is that OK, Sarah? You look beautiful with your braces off!
7. Marriage
While we wrestle with plans for and decisions about the future, I am completely content in my marriage to Philip Hueneke. He’s away on business right now, which always helps me appreciate more having him around to hang out with in the evenings — make dinner, chat about the day, laugh at the nightly news. He is my best friend in the entire world, who challenges and encourages and inspires me. When everything seems up in the air, Philip is the rock on which I stand. He is such an amazing gift.
8. God
I’m not feeling too close to him lately, which is really bad timing, since I desperately need his help with these major decisions we’re facing. I sometimes wonder if he has backed off intentionally, so that I’ll have to grow up and use the wisdom he’s given me to make smart choices. I’m not much of an initiator and I rely on others a lot, and I know God wants me to use the confidence he can give me to step out. But I’m also not pursuing him like I should; I can’t remember the last time I slipped away with my Bible and a journal to have a minute alone with him. In my heart of hearts, I know he’s always with me and has my back. Faith is a strange thing.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
WRASLIN' GATORS
This weekend our good friends Dianna and Jose came to visit. It had been a heavy couple of weeks leading up to their stay ... Philip and I are in the midst of some pretty life-changing decisions regarding housing, church, and career. It was great to just put that stuff out of our minds for a couple of days and enjoy conversation, games, meals, and adventures with close friends.
On Saturday, we played hooky from church to canoe Rock Springs Run. This is something I have been wanting to do for years, and it lived up to my expectations. We paddled eight miles and saw alligators, birds, turtles, fish, and even an otter. Philip and I successfully tested our ability to work together and had sparse conversation. I just reveled in the quiet. I was able to breathe and relax. I felt like rather than waiting and wondering, I was just living.
We stopped to eat our packed lunch at a campsite, and Jose totally lost his balance when he stood up in the canoe, collapsing into the one foot of water and flipping their canoe upside down. Unfortunately, I didn't see it happen; I only heard the loud splash, Dianna reassuring him: "You're OK; you're fine," and Philip yelling, "Save the lunch! Save the lunch!" which had started to float down the river.
Thankfully, neither the lunch nor Jose was hurt, and we got a good laugh out of the whole ordeal. Jose was a really good sport; it was actually his first time canoeing ever in his life, and he did great, steering and all. We decided that to up the ante, we should tell people that an alligator tipped the canoe, and Jose had to wrestle it to get free ... but I can't help it - I'm an honest storyteller.
Pics are up on Flickr.
On Saturday, we played hooky from church to canoe Rock Springs Run. This is something I have been wanting to do for years, and it lived up to my expectations. We paddled eight miles and saw alligators, birds, turtles, fish, and even an otter. Philip and I successfully tested our ability to work together and had sparse conversation. I just reveled in the quiet. I was able to breathe and relax. I felt like rather than waiting and wondering, I was just living.
We stopped to eat our packed lunch at a campsite, and Jose totally lost his balance when he stood up in the canoe, collapsing into the one foot of water and flipping their canoe upside down. Unfortunately, I didn't see it happen; I only heard the loud splash, Dianna reassuring him: "You're OK; you're fine," and Philip yelling, "Save the lunch! Save the lunch!" which had started to float down the river.
Thankfully, neither the lunch nor Jose was hurt, and we got a good laugh out of the whole ordeal. Jose was a really good sport; it was actually his first time canoeing ever in his life, and he did great, steering and all. We decided that to up the ante, we should tell people that an alligator tipped the canoe, and Jose had to wrestle it to get free ... but I can't help it - I'm an honest storyteller.
Pics are up on Flickr.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
HOUSE OBSESSION
Philip and I are officially shopping for our first house. This explains why you may still be waiting on a phone call or e-mail from me, or why I probably haven't seen you in the past few weeks. Every free moment is spent looking at houses online, looking at houses in real life, talking about houses, crunching numbers, getting excited about houses, getting depressed about houses, etc.
By now we've probably been inside 25 properties or more. We should have warned our real-estate agent that we were going to be an endurance challenge. We are careful decision makers, to put it mildly.
I have become deeply interested in the people who live in the houses we look at. It's probably unhealthy. I study their storage solutions, their colors, their decor. I look at their shoes and try to make inferences about their personalities. I note if they have pets or babies. I admire their wedding portraits.
I am especially fascinated with the people who live in the houses we really like and have strongly considered buying. It seems that if we both like this house so much, we must be alike somehow. We have something in common. I wonder about where they were at in life when they bought the house. I want to ask them, "Were you newlyweds like us, looking at your first place? Or were you a little further along in life, maybe 'upgrading'? Did you fear that you might get in over your heads too? Did you think about having a child or two in this place? Why are you moving now? Can't we sit down and have dinner or something? By the looks of your pictures, you seem like nice people we could be friends with."
We've been on the Orange County appraiser's website to see when these folks bought their houses and how much they paid for them, and when you do that, you find out the owners' names. These names have become household terms in our apartment, and one night while we were watching our favorite nightly news program, Philip said, "One of those news anchors is named Chris Egert. Isn't that the name of the guy who owns the house on Dauphin that we like?" We brought up the property on the appraiser's website, and sure enough, there he was, good old Chris.
Knowing exactly who owns the place and what he does for a living — that I see him every night in my living room — doesn't help this weird little obsession of mine. Today I went online to hunt down info on the owners of another house we really like, and I found out they are gay local filmmakers. I'm not sure what that tells me about what we have in common as kindred souls who both found something special in a particular house, but it makes for a good story at any rate.
By now we've probably been inside 25 properties or more. We should have warned our real-estate agent that we were going to be an endurance challenge. We are careful decision makers, to put it mildly.
I have become deeply interested in the people who live in the houses we look at. It's probably unhealthy. I study their storage solutions, their colors, their decor. I look at their shoes and try to make inferences about their personalities. I note if they have pets or babies. I admire their wedding portraits.
I am especially fascinated with the people who live in the houses we really like and have strongly considered buying. It seems that if we both like this house so much, we must be alike somehow. We have something in common. I wonder about where they were at in life when they bought the house. I want to ask them, "Were you newlyweds like us, looking at your first place? Or were you a little further along in life, maybe 'upgrading'? Did you fear that you might get in over your heads too? Did you think about having a child or two in this place? Why are you moving now? Can't we sit down and have dinner or something? By the looks of your pictures, you seem like nice people we could be friends with."
We've been on the Orange County appraiser's website to see when these folks bought their houses and how much they paid for them, and when you do that, you find out the owners' names. These names have become household terms in our apartment, and one night while we were watching our favorite nightly news program, Philip said, "One of those news anchors is named Chris Egert. Isn't that the name of the guy who owns the house on Dauphin that we like?" We brought up the property on the appraiser's website, and sure enough, there he was, good old Chris.
Knowing exactly who owns the place and what he does for a living — that I see him every night in my living room — doesn't help this weird little obsession of mine. Today I went online to hunt down info on the owners of another house we really like, and I found out they are gay local filmmakers. I'm not sure what that tells me about what we have in common as kindred souls who both found something special in a particular house, but it makes for a good story at any rate.
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