CONFESSION

Hello blog world. I feel like talking about some personal things, which is pretty risky, as a person really has no idea who is reading these electronic musings. Close friends, family, acquaintances, enemies, strangers, past employers, current employers, ex-boyfriends ... who knows? I generally assume that when I see "0 comments," no one has read what I wrote, which is likely untrue. So I am just throwing these iDeas out into the universe, having no clue the responses I'll generate - the scorn, the comfort, the disgust, the relief. Today I re-read an old post I wrote long ago, and someone who identified him/herself as merely "passer-by" commented, basically saying that he/she never wanted to read my blog again, as I seemed like a very bitter person. So at the danger of prompting disdain such as this, here I go again with some fresh mind-mush.

It was recently brought to my attention, lovingly and gently, that I had become obsessed with buying a house, and that this obsession was damaging my marriage.

I don't take criticism very well. My first instinct is to fiercely defend myself and justify my behavior. But my friend who was sharing this observation with me was being very sincere and even crying, which indicated how hard this was for her to say and how much she cared about me and wanted to see me thrive spiritually and emotionally. So while I was feeling resistant inside, outwardly, I just kind of sank really low in the sofa and got really quiet.

She then prayed for me, and I couldn't help it - I started crying. Praying is such a vulnerable thing, and if you don't do it with others very often, and then you do it sometime and it's personal, you will probably cry. That's at least what I think.

While I initially deny fault when a criticism is delivered, I will usually go off and think about it and try to decide if the criticism is warranted and if I should change. In this case, it was clear that my friend was right. Buying a house had become the central and pretty much sole goal of my life that dominated all my thoughts and conversations. It was my top priority - higher than caring for my husband, than understanding and validating his differing thoughts on the issue, even than spending time with him recreationally. All I wanted to do together was get our finances figured out and go see properties. In the process, we were experiencing a lot of conflict, which I was even blaming on him and his lack of initiative/enthusiasm for house shopping.

When I confessed these things to him, he was very gracious and even pointed out the good things we had accomplished in our house-hunting process. The thing he wanted to know was, why? Why had this become such a consuming obsession in my life?

Good question. I had to really think about my answer. An obvious response is that I'm a broken, sinful human being, so sometimes I will do bad, hurtful things. Really, I have a genuinely positive desire for a home - a safe, personalized place where we can entertain, provide lodging, deepen roots, get pets, play in the backyard, etc. But somehow this good desire got warped and took precedence over other, more important things. It somehow grew this crazy monster head that was eating at my joy. I would not rest until we had bought a house!

Why did it happen? Maybe the Enemy saw a good thing and figured out how to make it destructive. He "found a foothold," to use Christian terms. And beyond that, finding a house gave me purpose and direction in life, during a time when I was feeling purposeless and directionless in the other major areas of my life - career, church, friendship, faith.

So now I've backed off the house hunt. I made a rule for myself that I could only look at listings online while I'm at home with my husband. This may seem silly, but the times I'm most vulnerable are when I'm feeling lonely and bored. When I'm at home enjoying my husband's company, I don't generally feel this way. So in the bored and lonely and aimless times, I need to fill up my mind with something else - writing (hey - like now!), contacting friends, taking care of neglected responsibilities, talking to God.

So far this experiment has been difficult, and my desire for a house hasn't disappeared. I do feel more in control now though, and Philip and I have been happier this last week or so. And while having to admit sin is extremely uncomfortable and even painful, it's a helpful reminder of how in need of God and his grace I am. And also in need of good friends who will deliver hard but essential news.