UN-SHRIVELING ONE MEDITATION AT A TIME

One thing I really wanted to try as part of Operation Un-Shrivel My Heart was guided meditation and visualization. There are lots of these programs for sale on the Internets, but I wasn't ready to shell out $20 or more before I even knew if I could sit still for that long.

Finally, I found a free download from a San Diego-based fertility acupuncturist named Heidi Brockmyre. So one morning, a few days before the transfer, I sat down to try it for the first time. (First, I did a 15-minute relaxation yoga session using an app called Yoga Studio, which is $4 and worth every fucking penny.)

I swung open the doors of our guest room/would-be nursery, opened the blinds and spread a blanket over the bed for the cats. Then I sat down at the big white desk, lit a candle and pressed play.

I quickly found that I was comfortable with the exercise. It was like yoga for the mind. Her voice and tone sounded like a yoga instructor's, and the meditation even started out with a focus on the breathing. I just had to concentrate and follow the prompts.

Right away I got a message that I was in the right place. "You are safe. It is safe to open your heart to love," she intoned. Remember what I was saying in my last post about not feeling safe? About my heart being clenched shut? Yeah. Tears sprung to my eyes at how specifically the meditation spoke to me within minutes.

She walked me through the colors of the chakras as I visualized these radiating lights healing, opening, relaxing and protecting my womb, heart and mind. I could feel my heart rate slowing and my thoughts stop spinning.

She prompted me to send my future child a message, to consider what my baby needs to come to me. As I pondered this, trying to keep my mind receptive and open to a divine message, the cats started acting up. One of them began pawing at the closed closet door. I snapped my fingers at her. The the other started pawing. "Stop it!" I barked. Then one jumped up on the desk, weaving between my iPad and the lit candle. I tossed him onto the floor. Then the girl cat hopped up.

Angrily I jumped up from my seat and grabbed them both at once, pitching them into the hall and slamming the door. Resuming my meditation, I tried again to tap into the question about what my baby needs. I thought about how angry I was with my fur babies, who were just being curious cats, exploring a room that is normally off-limits and wondering what Mom was up to with this mannequin-level stillness and the candle and everything. And I felt like a shithead.

What my child needs, I thought, is the opposite of anger. So what is that? I had to look up antonyms at thesaurus.com: Contentment. Joy. Peace. Definitely not qualities I've been modeling over the last months and years ...

I thought about that Bible verse: The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Even thinking about the verse made me feel calmer, like I was a step closer to truth and goodness.

I looked up forbearance on dictionary.com: Patient enduring. I looked up endure: to suffer without yielding. Yield: to surrender, admit defeat, back down, give in, throw in the towel.

Could this stuff BE speaking to my situation any more directly?! I walked away from the experience feeling enlightened, centered, renewed. I felt grateful for my upbringing -- all the many verses and songs I was forced to learn as part of Sunday school and Bible class and youth group. I felt appreciative of spiritual mentors like Anne Lamott who showed that Eastern religious practices and Christianity aren't mutually exclusive (and can be, in fact, very complementary). And I felt thankful for technology -- for dictionary.com and the Bible app and Heidi Brockmyre's free download*.

I have done the same 15-minute guided meditation almost every day for more than a week, and every single time I do it, I hear a different message, a new word. Vessel: Remove the waste product from the silver, and a silversmith can produce a vessel. Healing: God heals the broken-hearted and bandages their wounds. Trust: Trust in God; wait in silence for him. Help: God is my refuge, strength, fortress and ever-present help. Love: God is love; anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. Forgiveness: Forgive us for the ways we have wronged you, just as we also forgive those who have wronged us. And more: I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You will protect me from trouble. Be still and know that I am God. And just today: The desert becomes a fertile field.

There is a lot of really weird, confusing, upsetting stuff in the Bible, but I've been overwhelmed with the words of hope and encouragement that I've stumbled across as I've made space for silence, let words and thoughts materialize and marinate, and done simple keyword searches. I have no idea if I'm doing my "devotions" right or reading things in context, but I just don't really think God cares. I'm coming to him as I am and doing my best and trying to hear from him. He must like that, I have to think.

The meditation thing hasn't saved me from all stress and conflict. Philip and I have fought. Confrontations at work have bent me all out of whack. I still wake up nearly every day with a nervous pit in my stomach. I get overwhelmed with fear that this transfer may not work, and what then? And I've felt like a failure every time I flounder at being fully zenned out.

But overall, it's helping. I feel better. I feel like I've got a few more tools in my mental tool belt as I face each day. My heart isn't a full size bigger, but at least it's not a total raisin anymore.

*The one complaint I have about the guided meditation is the way she pronounces abdomen: abdamum. Every time she says abdamum, like three or four times over the course of the 15 minutes, I cringe. And now I've done it enough to know when it's coming, so I also pre-cringe. But the editor self in me just has to suck it up and deal, because it's free, and because it's so beneficial.

OUT OF HIDING

Since the roller coaster of our retrieval back in May, I’ve been all over the place, both physically and emotionally. Our protocol called for banking all (two) of our embryos, and our RE suggested taking a month off before starting the protocol for a frozen embryo transfer (FET).

My ovulation went MIA during our month off; by day 23 of that cycle, there was still no sign of it. I went for an acupuncture treatment and asked my acupuncturist to make me ovulate. No joke, the next day I got a positive on the ovulation-predictor kit.

All told, the cycle dragged on for 37 days, and after that, I had to endure a month on birth control. I threw myself into any distraction that would help me not think about the endless weeks stretching ahead of me before we could put an embryo to use.

I threw an elaborate bridal shower for my sister in Illinois. I spoke at a wedding conference in Colorado and extended the trip to do some hiking and exploring with my hubby. I went on a press trip to Anguilla. I closed another issue of the magazine at work (always a crazy whirlwind with late nights at the office). And then Philip and I were back in Illinois for my sister’s Fourth of July wedding weekend, complete with a bachelorette party, a family barbecue, two fireworks displays, a rehearsal dinner and the big event.

I was having a blast — and completely throwing my routine or any concerns about diet out the window. I consumed carbs and sweets like no one’s business. I had Starbucks mochas for meals. I drank like a fish at the bachelorette party. I felt high-strung and sleep-deprived, but I was basically too busy to think about how I was feeling. (In the midst of all the craziness, our evening young-adult church service closed, but we barely had time to process our disappointment.)

As soon as the big wedding weekend was over, I tumbled into depression. There were no more wedding-related parties that demanded hand-made banners. There were no more trips on the calendar. Work became a manageable 9-5 affair. And I was back in the stirrups at the fertility clinic, faced head-on again with this miserable struggle of infertility.

In concert with my change of pace from manic to sober, pregnancy announcements — from fellow infertiles — flooded in. A good friend who has been on this journey for three years with me finally conceived, and all three of my favorite fertility bloggers were either expecting or welcoming their new little one. Another good friend also announced her pregnancy, and while this couple didn’t go through infertility, they had been one of our few childfree friends left to call up on a Saturday night.

I can’t describe HOW ALONE this makes me feel. Or, as strange as it may sound, how unsafe. I had carved out all these little safe places for myself where I wouldn’t be faced with the heartache of seeing pregnant bellies and newborn babies and happy, rambunctious families — desires impossibly out of my reach. Work had been safe; church had been safe; family had been safe; my infertility community had been safe. Now nowhere feels safe. Pregnancies and children are invading everything, and it feels like I’ll forever be locked out. No promise of a future family. Nowhere to fit in.

I have to admit that it seems like God, or the universe, or whatever, is forcing me out of seclusion back into community. I can’t hide away anymore; I have to face my fears and pain. I have to just FEEL my pain. I do a million things to try to cover it, force it away, distract myself from it, numb it. But now I have no choice but to be with it and acknowledge it and let it just sit on my heart like a heavy, aching stone.

The timing also seems significant, with our impending FET. It’s hard to know how to think about it. Everyone encourages me to be hopeful, optimistic. But my tender, wounded heart has so many walls around it, such a history of disappointment and despair, that when hope comes knocking, there’s no way the drawbridge is coming down. The “realistic” side of me tries to hedge my bets and brace for bad news.

But I’ve been challenged by the story of one of the fertility bloggers I mentioned above — one who never gave up hoping, one who pressed on with natural remedies even after five years of trying and multiple failed medical treatments. Finally, she conceived naturally, after eight long months of persevering with acupuncture and clean eating — both things I’ve tried for a month or two at a time, but never stuck with that long. She also changed her mindset — she stopped avoiding baby showers; she started a fertility support group. She made a conscious decision to open her heart and focus on others, rather than hide away licking her own wounds, as I have done.

So my first step has been to change my diet. I’ve been eating whole foods only — fruits and vegetables, lean meats, nuts, eggs. I’ve cut out coffee, soda, alcohol, simple carbohydrates and refined sugar (except for the occasional serving of dark-chocolate-covered almonds). It’s only been a week, but I feel empowered already by the healthy choices I’ve made — and I think it has helped improve my mood too.

The mind/emotional aspect is harder though. My acupuncturist says to envision myself eight months pregnant — huge belly, swollen ankles I can’t even see. She says to go in the room that would be our nursery, the one where the door always stays shut to close out another painful reminder of what we don’t have. She says to bring my energy in there, to bring life and activity into the room. She said to bring in a plant. And then a massage therapist, who knows nothing about my story, recently told me to get some white roses (a Google search revealed that white roses are traditionally associated with new beginnings, and a bouquet communicates, “I’m thinking of you.”)

So I am working up my courage to try these things. I’m researching visualization. I’m trying to be more disciplined in my speech when I feel inclined to be negative. I read through an issue of Fit Pregnancy, which took immense bravery. And I started a secret Pinterest nursery board, which even as I type it makes me feel ashamed, as though I’m an imposter, or am setting myself up for greater disappointment and loss.

But I am attempting to get myself into that mommy headspace — and trying to open up my shriveled, clenched heart. (I even thought about buying a pregnancy gift for my sister-in-law and inviting them over to dinner, though I am FAR from being ready to activate that plan!)

So for now, it’s one step, one hour, one injection at a time, being kind to myself but also trying to push a little more in a positive direction each day.

THE HURRICANE

For the past several weeks, I’ve felt like I’ve been caught in a hurricane — winds blowing at 100 miles an hour, floods crashing into what I thought were safe places, Philip and me precariously afloat on some piece of broken door that drifted by. Then the rain lets up for a moment, and we bank up against a hill, secure and relieved. But then the winds change direction, and again we’re pelted with stinging rain and sent spilling back into the roiling water.

Finally, over the last few days, calm has returned. The sun is shining, we’ve picked up the scattered pieces, and we’re taking solace in the few precious belongings that were saved.

The stimulation process had gone smoothly enough. Ever the fretter, I had worried that the meds would turn me crazy, or that we’d miss an injection or forget some appointment and ruin the cycle. But everything went fine. Philip played the role of nurse like an all-star, and I didn’t experience any concerning side effects from the drugs. It was a lot to remember, but we took it one day at a time and managed to stay sane.

In the midst of the stimming, there were many impossible decisions to be made. Fresh or frozen transfer? ICSE some or all? Genetic testing or no? Transfer one or two? What to do with potential leftover embryos in the case of divorce or death? What credit card to use to pay such a monumental bill? It was a lot to think and pray (and argue) about.

I was also under a major deadline at work. There was nothing to do about the insistent stress but work hard and try not to fall behind. On the deadline day, Philip and I went in to our clinic for a pre-op appointment and had to see a different RE within the practice, who sent us into a tailspin of doubt over one of the decisions we had made. I spent the night re-agonizing over the choice with my parents on the phone, ultimately deciding to stick to our original course.

The day of the retrieval fell promptly on the day after the deadline. It went smoothly, and initial numbers left us ecstatic.

I felt physically awful. I had abdominal pain and was tired and foggy. I started running a fever and felt achy all over. A stabbing, pinching pain developed in my right shoulder. I missed an extra day of work and didn’t feel up to resuming my exercise routines. But I took comfort in our numbers — lots of eggs, lots of embryos. These are the results everyone dreams of.

Three days in, and things were holding steady. We told our parents; everyone was rejoicing.

But five days in, everything fell apart. Eighty percent of our embryos deteriorated. The fate of the remaining handful was still uncertain. I got the message before work on a Friday, sitting in my bathroom, and I wept. Philip sat beside me silently, passing me tissues.

Sunday was Mother’s Day. Still reeling from Friday’s news, we rallied to spend the day with Philip’s family. I shielded myself from potential triggers on such a sensitive day — no Facebook, no TV. I had done my shopping weeks ahead and was prepared to focus on Philip’s mom and grandma.

But bam — a piece of wind-driven shrapnel struck us out of nowhere. A family member (who knows our situation) jubilantly surprised everyone with a demonstrative announcement of their first pregnancy, just a year into their marriage, and the news knocked the wind out of our lungs. We drove the long way home, winding through lonely country roads, and more tears streamed down my face.

Monday morning brought another doctor’s appointment, and I cried again, seeing the beautiful numbers crumble on the computer screen. Our RE was grave, apologetic, dejected. We tried to follow along in our grief, hearing snippets like “donor sperm or eggs,” “next IVF cycle,” “one of only three couples” in her career to ever see such a dramatic decline.

For the next two days, as I awaited the news on the final fate of our frozen possibilities, I could barely eat. I felt like I was on the verge of vomiting. The tips of my fingers were numb. I desperately searched for something to put my hope in, grasping awkwardly for God — my hope had been in numbers, but the numbers were failing me.

Finally the call came: There was going to be a transfer in our future! The number of embryos we had sounded impossibly small after our initial reports, but it wasn’t zero, so I melted with relief and welled with gratitude.

Still, there was barely time to relax. The crunch was on to plan a bridal shower for my sister, happening in just two short weeks, so I threw myself into crafts and online shopping and swirls of planning emails. It went off like gangbusters.

Now, on the other side of the shower, the retrieval, the big work deadline, I finally can exhale. We decided to take the month off from everything fertility-related, and I feel like me again. I can run; I can have a glass of wine; I can make plans. I can be lighthearted. I’m not scared or sad or overwhelmed.

Not being in treatment reminds me of how good I feel when I’m not in treatment —  how much I loathe the appointments, the injections, the blood draws and vaginal ultrasounds. The bleak waiting room and banal small talk with the carousel of staff members at my clinic. The waiting on pins and needles for the nurse’s phone call. The rise of hope and the crash of disappointment. Filling out my calendar with estimated treatment dates and having to edit them, shift them, and edit them again based on ever-changing, fickle information. I’m half a person when I’m in treatment — this inert, depressed, anxiety-flushed shell of myself. I hate it.

Inevitably my mind floats to what we’ll do if these transfers fail. Others in my life go there immediately as well. I can’t even count how many people have brought up adoption to me. I told Philip I would neck-punch the next person who approached the subject, but then it was my mother, so I didn’t follow through.

The suggestion of adoption touches some deep nerve for me. For one, it implies that this IVF cycle is already over, when it’s not. It also invalidates all of the other options available to us, not the least of which is another IVF attempt, in addition to surrogates and donors — and simply choosing to live child-free. It’s also not the same thing as conceiving and carrying our own child; it’s not some one-for-one replacement for such an innate desire. Lastly, it belies how HARD adoption is. I know five women personally who are now parents because of IVF, while I know two couples who have gone through failed adoptions. Adoption is uncertain, expensive and often drawn out for years. It’s not some simple solution.

It’s also not something I’ve ever deeply desired or felt particularly called to.

That said, I don’t know how I would feel if these treatments fail. Maybe adoption will become an option for us, or maybe we’ll just be ready to let it all go — to live our lives, travel, and love on each other and our cats, not constantly burdened by this life-consuming and heartbreaking yolk of attempting to build a family.

I try not to think about it. For now, there’s still hope in this current IVF cycle, so I’m going to cling to that. And I’m just going to try to be a regular human for a few weeks, basking in the calm before another storm.

RESOLVE TO KNOW MORE

National Infertity Awareness Week ends in 12 minutes, so I'm going to try to whip out a post before it's too late and the moment passes forever. This year, the theme is, "Resolve to know more." I've been pondering on this theme all week ... What to say about it ... What I think about it.

As it turns out, I'm pretty good about knowing more. I started out this fertility journey by reading every word of Toni Weschler's Taking Charge of Your Fertility, so I knew all along that our timing was solid. I started using ovulation predictor kits pretty early on too. I read blogs and articles. I attended an open house and a free IVF seminar given by our clinic. I studied every haphazard paper and brochure they threw at us. I made giant lists of questions for the nurse. I tried acupuncture and read about eating for fertility. I bought books and signed up for newsletters. I spent hours on the phone with my insurance company and compared medication prices across four different specialty pharmacies. I scoured through reviews of Fertilaid and other fertility-enhancing supplements. I attended Resolve support-group meetings. I powwowed with other infertiles and picked the brains of those who had gone before.

So where has all of that gotten me? I sit on my sofa at the close of my third NIAW with a full head and an empty womb.

I was talking with Philip about the theme, and we wondered if ignorance is bliss. Some women go through this fertility-treatment process not knowing much of anything about the (scary) meds they're taking, about the (depressing) odds of the therapies they're trying, about the (infuriating) specifics of the failures of their own bodies. And I think often, they might have an easier time of it. They trust their doctors; they do what they're told without questioning; they believe it will work. And I think it might save them considerable time, confusion and anxiety.

Still, I was never going to be one of those women. I'm a researcher. I study how to do something, and then I do it. I don't leave things up to chance or luck or other people. And I don't wait around for God to magically step in and fix my problems either. I work. And I work fucking hard. I stay up late. I learn. I do. And experiencing infertility has only made me more this way.

I can tell you what (three) companies in Orlando offer insurance plans that cover IVF. I can tell you who the best fertility doctor is (mine) and what clinic has the highest success rate (mine). I can tell you about the benefits of acupuncture. On a miserable Christmas-break day spent on the phone with my insurance company, I found out it actually covered $2,000 worth of our IVF drugs. And Philip and I spent our entire Saturday today resolving to know more about the sign-up bonuses and travel rewards of various credit cards, so that when we unfairly have to pay out of pocket for IVF, we'll at least get something in return.

I can't tell anyone to resolve to know more, because maybe your defense mechanism in dealing with the pain of infertility works precisely because you know less. But I know that when I weigh it all out, I'm glad I know more. In the end, when we've reached our resolution, I won't have any regrets. Either we'll have a baby, or we'll know we did everything in our power to make one. I won't wonder if there was some clue I missed or some thread I didn't pull hard enough.

And that's all I hope for my fellow IF girls. I don't want anyone to give up because they just didn't know enough. If you hit a wall, consider if maybe you need to know more. Plus I'm here, and I know a lot. So don't be afraid to ask me questions!