RESOLVE TO KNOW MORE

National Infertity Awareness Week ends in 12 minutes, so I'm going to try to whip out a post before it's too late and the moment passes forever. This year, the theme is, "Resolve to know more." I've been pondering on this theme all week ... What to say about it ... What I think about it.

As it turns out, I'm pretty good about knowing more. I started out this fertility journey by reading every word of Toni Weschler's Taking Charge of Your Fertility, so I knew all along that our timing was solid. I started using ovulation predictor kits pretty early on too. I read blogs and articles. I attended an open house and a free IVF seminar given by our clinic. I studied every haphazard paper and brochure they threw at us. I made giant lists of questions for the nurse. I tried acupuncture and read about eating for fertility. I bought books and signed up for newsletters. I spent hours on the phone with my insurance company and compared medication prices across four different specialty pharmacies. I scoured through reviews of Fertilaid and other fertility-enhancing supplements. I attended Resolve support-group meetings. I powwowed with other infertiles and picked the brains of those who had gone before.

So where has all of that gotten me? I sit on my sofa at the close of my third NIAW with a full head and an empty womb.

I was talking with Philip about the theme, and we wondered if ignorance is bliss. Some women go through this fertility-treatment process not knowing much of anything about the (scary) meds they're taking, about the (depressing) odds of the therapies they're trying, about the (infuriating) specifics of the failures of their own bodies. And I think often, they might have an easier time of it. They trust their doctors; they do what they're told without questioning; they believe it will work. And I think it might save them considerable time, confusion and anxiety.

Still, I was never going to be one of those women. I'm a researcher. I study how to do something, and then I do it. I don't leave things up to chance or luck or other people. And I don't wait around for God to magically step in and fix my problems either. I work. And I work fucking hard. I stay up late. I learn. I do. And experiencing infertility has only made me more this way.

I can tell you what (three) companies in Orlando offer insurance plans that cover IVF. I can tell you who the best fertility doctor is (mine) and what clinic has the highest success rate (mine). I can tell you about the benefits of acupuncture. On a miserable Christmas-break day spent on the phone with my insurance company, I found out it actually covered $2,000 worth of our IVF drugs. And Philip and I spent our entire Saturday today resolving to know more about the sign-up bonuses and travel rewards of various credit cards, so that when we unfairly have to pay out of pocket for IVF, we'll at least get something in return.

I can't tell anyone to resolve to know more, because maybe your defense mechanism in dealing with the pain of infertility works precisely because you know less. But I know that when I weigh it all out, I'm glad I know more. In the end, when we've reached our resolution, I won't have any regrets. Either we'll have a baby, or we'll know we did everything in our power to make one. I won't wonder if there was some clue I missed or some thread I didn't pull hard enough.

And that's all I hope for my fellow IF girls. I don't want anyone to give up because they just didn't know enough. If you hit a wall, consider if maybe you need to know more. Plus I'm here, and I know a lot. So don't be afraid to ask me questions!