CONFLICT IS SO COOL

Philip and I got in a fight last night. No tears or yelling this time, and the curse words were kept to a minimum, so it really wasn't some huge emotional deal. Basically, we were discussing the idea of "your space"/"my space"/"our space" and our differing views on the subject. This evolved into a conversation about roles in the household, and we eventually landed in a dialogue about my people-pleasing tendencies and Philip's controlling tendencies, which sometimes isn't the greatest combo and is often a place our arguments go.

Conflict in marriage is a funny thing. It'll sneak up on us, seemingly from nowhere, but I'm beginning to identify some patterns. For example, being hungry doesn't help. Stress carried home from work is not a friend. General feelings of grumpiness tend to spread, and tiredness works against us. Often it's unvoiced or misunderstood expectations that foil us, and our vastly different upbringings are often a contributing factor. Always present in our conflicts is insecurity.

We certainly fight less than we did while we were dating and in the first months of marriage. We know much more now about each other's needs, desires, and expectations. We know which buttons not to push. And now that we're married, the element of, "Is this it? Are we going to break up?" is removed, which lowers the stakes a LOT.

I sometimes wonder, "How often is it normal to fight?" I read in a book about marriage that once a week is a healthy amount, but that seems high to me. I hate fighting and would like to engage in a fight about zero times a week. But I do realize that conflict can be helpful, that it brings out the important feelings we sometimes bury or forget about, that it makes us better communicators and helps us to learn more about one another. It just sucks!

Since we've been married, we've only had one all-out screamfest. That was hell, and I never want to go there again. That seems too far. But sometimes emotion just takes over I guess, and then you have to go through the steps to heal from all the hurtful things said. The healing process is important too - the extra care of each other, the true remorse that reminds us how broken and in need of God we are, the learning how to really forgive.

I do think conflict in marriage - and conflict in general - isn't talked about nearly enough. Are we the only couple who fight? Who sometimes stand across the room from each other glaring, thinking mean things and saying slightly less mean things? I mean, as far as I know, even some of my closest friends never go at it with their spouses. I guess it's embarrassing to admit, makes us look less perfect and reveals that we don't have it all together. Are we afraid to talk about it because we think we're alone and people will feel sorry for us, rather than be able to relate and find comfort in the fact that other people go through rough patches too?

At any rate, don't be concerned about the argument Philip and I had last night. While I don't think we really resolved anything once and for all (we rarely do), we made up in our own little way. It goes like this: First, we wearily concede that we’ve said all there is to say for now. After a brief period of stiff politeness when communication is necessary, we give each other sad looks, which is the code for, "OK, I'm not mad anymore, but I'm not quite ready to apologize." Then one or the other of us will make a joke, which breaks up some of the tension hanging between us. This opens the door to renewed physical contact - the hug - which will give way to the actual apology.

So what do you think? Does all this sound totally crazy and foreign?