Out of curiousity, I visited the website of my old job today. It has been well over a year since I moved on from there, but I confess, after looking around at what's new, I lapsed into a fantasy that I had written a book that was getting a ton of buzz. I imagined that my old boss was at first reluctant to cover it in his magazine since I was an ex-employee, but eventually had to cave because my book had become so big. There I would be in the magazine I wasn't fit to be the managing editor of, my face filling a whole page. My success would make my old boss feel crazy with regret, that he didn't try harder to make me feel valued and adequate.
I don't like that I have fantasies like this. It indicates that in my heart are some leftover feelings of bitterness. If I was over it, it doesn't seem like I would have any "so there!" kind of sentiments. Now that so much time has passed, the specific grievances I experienced at that job have begun to significantly fade in my memory. I guess what's left is still this wound that hasn't fully healed, this lingering feeling of not being good enough.
Feelings are a tough thing to deal with. You can't just will them to go away. I have tried to control my actions with regard to my old job by not bad-mouthing it all the time and discouraging people from reading any of its publications. I haven't defaced any of the magazine issues that still arrive at our apartment from an ancient two-year subscription; in fact, I've read several articles. I even considered buying a book post-resignation.
But feelings are another thing altogether. Thankfully, I believe God has the capability of changing hearts and thought processes. I saw this the other day when I had the opportunity to sing in church. It used to be that when I sang, I felt very disappointed and insecure if people didn't come up to me afterward and tell me how well I did, even though supposedly my "audience" was made up of God alone. After I sang this past weekened, I found that I was actually surprised when someone congratulated me for doing a good job. I hadn't even thought about seeking that kind of approval. So over time, God has begun to right that wrong attitude in me. I pray that he is doing the same with regard to my career.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
DYING TO SELF?
I just finished reading Searching for God Knows What by Don Miller tonight. I feel like I shouldn't pick up a new book now, but read Searching again, because I probably missed half of what he said. And I was finding that every time I went back to reading after leaving the pages for a couple days (or hours), I would have this thought: "Oh yeah, these are really profound ideas that, if I could remember and apply them in my day-to-day living and thinking, would really make a difference. But I forget them as soon as I put down the book. What is wrong with me?"
If I had to summarize what I "got out of*" the book (*this phrase is one of the more obnoxious phrases Christians use), it would be that when I set out on this relational journey with Jesus, I died to myself and began to live in him. Obviously, I haven't died to me, and in fact, I much more often feel like I'm living my ways than his. But, in one of the paradoxes that Jesus seems to like so much, I both have died to me and yet am still in the process of dying. This may sound masochistic, which is a word Miller uses in the book, but maybe it will make more sense when I explain more specifically what it is I am aiming toward dying from:
I want to die from worrying all the time about how I am being received...
from guarding myself so carefully that I miss out on intimacy with people...
from allowing my insecurities to stop me completely from doing things that I love and could help others...
from responding with such quick irritation or/and anger when I am slightly inconvenienced or wounded...
from classifying people so easily into categories of "cool" and "weird" (craving the attention of the former and dismissing the latter)...
from being too lazy to let people know I care about them...
from saying my life is about love, when it is really only about me being comfortable...
Perhaps when Jesus says we die to ourselves, it's not so much about letting go of the things we love (though sometimes that kind of sacrifice is asked of us), but about letting go of the things that smother our souls, in order to make room for the good things of Jesus, like an affection for others, a boldness to love, a freedom and boldness to use our gifts and talents to bless the people around us, and a sense of complete and overflowing acceptance and belonging and validation coming straight from the greatest Lover in all the universe.
Basically, all these ideas are in the book. I wanted to put them down before I forgot them all. Again.
If I had to summarize what I "got out of*" the book (*this phrase is one of the more obnoxious phrases Christians use), it would be that when I set out on this relational journey with Jesus, I died to myself and began to live in him. Obviously, I haven't died to me, and in fact, I much more often feel like I'm living my ways than his. But, in one of the paradoxes that Jesus seems to like so much, I both have died to me and yet am still in the process of dying. This may sound masochistic, which is a word Miller uses in the book, but maybe it will make more sense when I explain more specifically what it is I am aiming toward dying from:
I want to die from worrying all the time about how I am being received...
from guarding myself so carefully that I miss out on intimacy with people...
from allowing my insecurities to stop me completely from doing things that I love and could help others...
from responding with such quick irritation or/and anger when I am slightly inconvenienced or wounded...
from classifying people so easily into categories of "cool" and "weird" (craving the attention of the former and dismissing the latter)...
from being too lazy to let people know I care about them...
from saying my life is about love, when it is really only about me being comfortable...
Perhaps when Jesus says we die to ourselves, it's not so much about letting go of the things we love (though sometimes that kind of sacrifice is asked of us), but about letting go of the things that smother our souls, in order to make room for the good things of Jesus, like an affection for others, a boldness to love, a freedom and boldness to use our gifts and talents to bless the people around us, and a sense of complete and overflowing acceptance and belonging and validation coming straight from the greatest Lover in all the universe.
Basically, all these ideas are in the book. I wanted to put them down before I forgot them all. Again.
Monday, February 06, 2006
THE HUENEKES DO LONDON
I just returned from my mission to secure tickets for tonight's performance of Guys and Dolls at the Piccadilly Theatre. I was nervous about doing this because I was warned that many places advertise that they are offering half-price tickets, but are really trying to scam you. So I thought I would ask around quite a bit at different vendors. The tricky part about doing this was a) finding some, b) remembering the quote each place gave me, and c) not getting lost while I tried to retrace my steps to the lowest quoter.
Thankfully, most places told me 30 pounds a ticket (except for the places that told me 33, 70, and 75 *cough cough*). So tonight, we are off to the theater. The only bummer is that I learned Ewan McGregor is not playing the male lead anymore, and apparently hasn't since before Christmas. Perhaps someone should consider taking down all the posters with his face on them that are plastered all over town?
Save only a couple misadventures (e.g., misreading the time of our original London Eye "flight" and missing it by two hours - damned military time - and accidentally paying a whole pound to use the ladies' room at the train station when it only costs 20 pence), we have had a wonderful time here. Staying at the Marriott has been a pleasure; we are very centrally located, and I have even treated myself to a bubble bath for the past three nights. That's more bubble baths than I've taken in the past two years combined.
Friday night, we enjoyed some Lebanese food nearby our hotel and then walked down to Piccadilly Circus and Leicester Square. Philip was curious to see Piccadilly since it's the British version of Times Square. I told him he wouldn't like it because of all the overwhelming advertisements, and I was right, but that didn't stop us from taking some pictures. Many lanterns were still up from the Chinese New Year celebration that had taken place the week earlier, so that was fun to see.
On Saturday morning, we headed over to the market on Portobello Street. This was probably my favorite tourist stop. The market, located in Notting Hill, went on for miles and provided lots to see - antiques, fresh breads and fruit, clothing, artwork... We bought lunch from the vendors, and my husband agreed to me buying a beautiful, overpriced purse.
From there we headed to the British Museum. I was fascinated by the statues from the Ancient Near East and Ancient Egypt, especially since I recently completed editing a manuscript that talked a lot about ancient cultures in relationship to the nation God was establishing in the Israelites. In the evening, we walked across the Hungerford Pedestrian Bridge, through Trafalgar Square, and then all the way down to Buckingham Palace.
On Sunday morning we visited the U.K. Hillsong Church. What an experience! The music was very exciting, and it was a special week themed "Because We Can." The idea is that we can do our part to make poverty history. They highlighted several organizations worldwide that are rescuing children from poverty and its trappings, and the presentations were very dynamic and heartbreaking. Philip and I both left inspired to take some specific steps toward being more involved.
We had lunch at the Audley, a pub where on Sundays you can order a traditional roast. It was so good, I thought I might pass out. From there we headed over to Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, and the Parliament Houses to take some photos before the sun was completely gone. Then we made our way to Abbey Road and the studios there. We finished our evening by (successfully) riding the London Eye. Well, Philip's evening wasn't quite done. He caught the first half of the Super Bowl in our hotel room, starting at about 11 p.m. The announcers were British! Definitely different.
Philip finishes his work today, so Tuesday and Wednesday are free for us to do more sightseeing. We are heading to Salisbury tomorrow to see its medieval cathedral and neighborhoods, and on Wednesday we will tour Stonehenge.
I'm excited to head out into the country. Philip is enjoying London, but I want him to see the countryside, because I think it will resonate with him even more. The quaint houses and rolling, rocky hills definitely have something on the advertisement-strewn, bustling city streets.
Until later, loves.
Thankfully, most places told me 30 pounds a ticket (except for the places that told me 33, 70, and 75 *cough cough*). So tonight, we are off to the theater. The only bummer is that I learned Ewan McGregor is not playing the male lead anymore, and apparently hasn't since before Christmas. Perhaps someone should consider taking down all the posters with his face on them that are plastered all over town?
Save only a couple misadventures (e.g., misreading the time of our original London Eye "flight" and missing it by two hours - damned military time - and accidentally paying a whole pound to use the ladies' room at the train station when it only costs 20 pence), we have had a wonderful time here. Staying at the Marriott has been a pleasure; we are very centrally located, and I have even treated myself to a bubble bath for the past three nights. That's more bubble baths than I've taken in the past two years combined.
Friday night, we enjoyed some Lebanese food nearby our hotel and then walked down to Piccadilly Circus and Leicester Square. Philip was curious to see Piccadilly since it's the British version of Times Square. I told him he wouldn't like it because of all the overwhelming advertisements, and I was right, but that didn't stop us from taking some pictures. Many lanterns were still up from the Chinese New Year celebration that had taken place the week earlier, so that was fun to see.
On Saturday morning, we headed over to the market on Portobello Street. This was probably my favorite tourist stop. The market, located in Notting Hill, went on for miles and provided lots to see - antiques, fresh breads and fruit, clothing, artwork... We bought lunch from the vendors, and my husband agreed to me buying a beautiful, overpriced purse.
From there we headed to the British Museum. I was fascinated by the statues from the Ancient Near East and Ancient Egypt, especially since I recently completed editing a manuscript that talked a lot about ancient cultures in relationship to the nation God was establishing in the Israelites. In the evening, we walked across the Hungerford Pedestrian Bridge, through Trafalgar Square, and then all the way down to Buckingham Palace.
On Sunday morning we visited the U.K. Hillsong Church. What an experience! The music was very exciting, and it was a special week themed "Because We Can." The idea is that we can do our part to make poverty history. They highlighted several organizations worldwide that are rescuing children from poverty and its trappings, and the presentations were very dynamic and heartbreaking. Philip and I both left inspired to take some specific steps toward being more involved.
We had lunch at the Audley, a pub where on Sundays you can order a traditional roast. It was so good, I thought I might pass out. From there we headed over to Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, and the Parliament Houses to take some photos before the sun was completely gone. Then we made our way to Abbey Road and the studios there. We finished our evening by (successfully) riding the London Eye. Well, Philip's evening wasn't quite done. He caught the first half of the Super Bowl in our hotel room, starting at about 11 p.m. The announcers were British! Definitely different.
Philip finishes his work today, so Tuesday and Wednesday are free for us to do more sightseeing. We are heading to Salisbury tomorrow to see its medieval cathedral and neighborhoods, and on Wednesday we will tour Stonehenge.
I'm excited to head out into the country. Philip is enjoying London, but I want him to see the countryside, because I think it will resonate with him even more. The quaint houses and rolling, rocky hills definitely have something on the advertisement-strewn, bustling city streets.
Until later, loves.
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