DON'T READ IF YOU'D RATHER NOT HEAR SOME GRIPES

I've had a fairly stressful string of things happen in my life lately. I don't want to sound all woe-is-me or anything, but it's like I start to wonder if I'm crazy. I look around, and most of my twentysomething contemporaries seem busy, but not overloaded; they seem somewhat stressed, but not haggard (thanks, Thesaurus.com); they seem to be burdened by a small aggravation or two, but not buried by several distressing situations. Then I look at myself, especially over the last few weeks. I've been crying; I've been cursing. I've had nightmares; I've driven Philip nuts by my constant complaints. He actually thanked me for not talking about work over dinner the other night. That can't be good.

I go to bed at night feeling nervous, like I'm forgetting something or neglecting someone. I wake up tired and overwhelmed by the day that stretches in front of me. And I wonder, What is wrong with me? Do I have depression? Am I just a characteristically unhappy person? Is the problem my attitude? My lack of quiet times?

But consider that in the last three weeks:
1. I returned home from vacation to a dead car battery and a leaking roof.
2. A good friend got in a car wreck that has left her on bedrest for a month and a half, and she is experiencing pain spasms and uncontrollable twitches.
3. Hurricane Francis came, requiring us to cover my entire house with plastic and make five trips to the dump to get rid of the debris in my cul-de-sac, which was in danger of becoming "dangerous projectiles."
4. Hurricane Francis prevented Philip and I from traveling to IL to visit my family, which was severly disappointing.
5. A close friend and coworker was unexpectedly fired from my workplace.
6. A former roommate moved out of my house, and a new roommate moved in.
7. A large praise concert event at my church was causing some dissention and worry among my church peers, and we needed to step in to help pull the plans together.
8. Philip had a birthday, which I of course wanted to help make very special for him, despite the time-sucking events of recent days.

I guess I'm just looking for persmission to feel stressed. I guess what I want is validation, the assurance that I'm not just a whiney wimp who will never be satisfied, who just needs to pray and read her Bible more in order to get a grip on life. And I just want it to stop, you know? I want a break. I don't mean that I want a problem-free life. I just want a free night at home once in a while. I want to feel like I'm living with balance and intentionality and purpose and not just desperately trying to keep the plates spinning. And stuff like that.

THEY SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY

Yesterday was Philip's 25th birthday. I made a dinner of salmon, twice-baked potatoes, and green beans. He got sick before he went to bed. Hopefully the two were not related.

If you haven't already, wish him a happy birthday!

QUARTER LIFE CRISIS

Last night, Erika and I headed downtown to see Minus the Bear, Paris, Texas and The Statistics. Doors opened at 8:00, but the show didn't start until around 9:15. The audience was primarily composed of hipster-clad scenesters worrying about when the next Yeah Yeah Yeah's album will be released. Mary-Janes, rolled jeans, paper boy hats and Parliament cigarettes - these are a few of my favorite cliches.

In an effort to not slander any one person's (or band's) work, I have decided to post anonymous reviews. Band #1 was extremely talented. They seemed to have a tight cohesion that most bands only find after playing together for years. The timing and layering involved in their music was amazing. It's not hard to produce a studio album that is comprised of piles of layering, it's another thing to actually execute that layering at a live venue. Band #2 featured a lead singer with a great personality that translated through the microphone and to the audience. While I enjoyed their set, side projects of semi-popular indie band lead singers don't usually tickle my fancy. Finally, band #3 was simply over the top and ridiculous. Enough said.

Half way through the opening band's set, Erika noticed that one of our friends had come in to the venue. It has been a long time since I've spent time with this friend, so it was great to see him. He is a great guy that has a lot of intelligence and creativity to offer. Spending time with him helps me feel alive.

As the night progressed, we talked about his recent trip to Israel. What is the first thing that you think of when you hear Israel? Palestine? Syria? I always think of violence and unrest. Sage Francis says that the media has some involvement with the way I think of that region of the world.

"...while a camera man creates news and shoves it down our throats on the West Bank, with a 10 second clip put on constant loop to provoke US angst."

While I do believe the media plays a role in how we view that part of the world, my friend presented an opposing view. He painted the picture of a place where Biblical "stories" actually happened. He told us about his group jumping off of a 9 meter barge into the sea of Galilee in the middle of the night . Wow. Christ walked on the water there.

As my friend continued, his tone became a bit more serious. During his trip, he visited a group of underground Jews that are attempting to rebuild the 3rd temple. This led to a discussion about Jews returning to Israel after the temple is built so that they can be atoned for their sins. My mind began to wander and the conversation came to a close shortly after. It was at this moment, with music blasting from the stage and the smoke burning my eyes, I realized that tomorrow I would be 25. No, it was not the first time I realized that my birthday was coming soon, but it was the first time that I began to process what that meant (if anything).

Car insurance costs go down. Renting a car is no longer a problem. In this country, these are the typical things that are associated with the age of 25. The first thing that I associated with the age of 25 was insignificants. Perhaps I felt foolish for watching some rock bands play while there are people on the other side of the earth fulfilling history (prophecy?). Perhaps the cards that I have played thus far in life have amounted to nothing more than a pair of duces. I suppose that I could get fired up and tell you that this year will be different. This year will be BIG and I am ready to take control of my destiny. I could, but that would be a lie.

25 means that I can serve more people. 25 means that I can understand myself better. 25 means I get to grow closer to the one that I love. 25 means I can begin to grasp what it means to be a man. 25 means I can reach out to the marginalized. 25 means I can love.

While I write this, I'm still wrestling with my significants in this world. Without reading a formula-turned-book, I realize that there is a purpose for my life. Obviously, I do not live up to that purpose everyday. I am simply strugling to understand the significants of that purpose in a world this big.

IVAN

Hit me baby one more time.